Prepare for Meltdown

[Hash]

I really didn't like my meds review! I struggled through the weekend but Peter and I aren't really talking about important things he said he's given up cos I get upset when he makes me talk. Self harming is under control I don't know how I am going to stop it though. I'm going to the unit tomorrow been in bed today till three. One of my wounds looks infected so I need to talk to the doc and show her tomorrow. I need to get a letter from the doc too about my health for the assessors of incapacity benefit. I'm going to Paris on the weekend so no self harming then.

We have family therapy on Thursday I need to somehow talk to Peter before then about things, theirs alot I'm keeping from him like about how I am feeling about myself, I really hate myself big time big time. I have not ha my hair cut since December and I have not been to the beauticians since before I went to hospital I seriously need to go to both but I've given up on myself. I didn't even want to go to a restaraunt with Peter tonight because I hate the way i look and didn't feel worthy of going. I dread to know how much I weigh it scares me but it's out of control.

Hash

[asc]

I hope the isit and therapy go well, also your trip to Paris. Well done on lessening SH!

When I met you I thought how attractive you looked - and I'm sure Peter thinks so. Body dysmorphic syndrome is an awful thing.

[sally]

Hash,

I can hear your struggle. You have done really well to reduce the self harm a little. I pray the wounds heal well.
It's hard when we are feeling so low to feel good enough about ourselves to bother with those pampering bits of self care. Could you plan a hair appointment as target for this week?

I hope you can find a way to talk a bit with Peter to help yourselves when you go the therapy. Who would you rather be talking to about how are thinking or feeling if not peter?

Thinking of you lots, sal

[Beautifully_Broken]

How did family therapy go today? I can imagine that it's stirred up a few feelings that might be quite hard to deal with.

Hope you have a good time in Paris, try and enjoy it as much as you can, you deserve to have a nice time.

Love you loads, take care!

Ruth xx

[Hash]

I could book a hair appointment but im finding it hard to get up before twelve thirty and definitely not good at going out the house.

Paris was hard, it was hard doing the unfamiliar and Peter would drag me out of bed early to see te sights. Luckily he let me have afternoon naps so I was not completely exhausted.

My wounds are infected so I've been on antibiotics. Plan on doing more damage when I'm home alone this week but it's under control.

[Eppie]

Hi Hash
Wow - Paris...! What did you see when you went out? glad you got some naps too.
sorry you are thinking of doing more damage this week. Do you think there is anything that could help that be a bit less than you are planning?
E x

[Hash]

I ended up needing an ambulance to A and E on Tuesday but luckily I had just missed damaging some tendons and if I had gone deeper I would have been in the muscle. It's very painful so I thought it was infected but I checked it last night and it seems the antibiotics have kept infection at bay.

I am really triggered to do some damage today but I really can't afford to do something major. It was my birthday yesterday and for me it was a bit of a flop. I went shopping with my mum and to be honest I was not inspired by anything but was too scared to buy anything as I feel big at the moment. I have put on alot of weight since Ive been on this depot injection and it means I feel so bad about my body I am afraid of shopping.

I don't know how I am going to get through this afternoon but one thing I have to do is not cut too deep. Peter was very upset with me when the ambulance crew turned up at the door on Tuesday.

He's been really busy, he had to go to Birmingham for a long day this week and he is going to Dusseldorf next week, great!!!!

Hash

[sally]

Hey Hash,

I'm sorry your birthday didn't feel as easy as you may have hoped.
I'm glad you sort treatment after the DSH. Does it ever affect your next thoughts about further SH when you are still suffering the consequences of the severity of the last, and infected wounds that still need caring for?

Thinking of you lots, Sally

[Hash]

Thanks Sally,

No nothing really stops me, In fact now my GP has said I have to get treatment for wounds that bad so it looks like I will be in A and E a lot more and hubbie is really really struggling with work and my self harming, he's come home from work absolutely exhausted and depressed.

I have destructive plans for tomorrow but my father in law is meant to be coming over. I don't know how to tell him I don't want to see him. I feel bad. Problem is he works in the prison in the morning and he doesn't take is phone with him so I have no way of talking to him till he turns up at the door between 12:30 and 1:00pm tomorrow.

I have to somehow stop this cutting so severely again because I am going to loose use of my hands

[Beautifully_Broken]

Hey love!

You are realising that the severity of your self harm is going to have to change. This is a really good step. How can we help you lessen the severity of your self harm?

Try and enjoy your afternoon with your father in law. Today was good and you weren't really up for it, so maybe tomorrow can be the same?

Please look after yourself, you are so loved and so precious. I'm really worried about you.

Love you lots,

Ruth x

[asc]

[quote="Beautifully_Broken"]Hey love!

You are realising that the severity of your self harm is going to have to change. This is a really good step. How can we help you lessen the severity of your self harm?

Try and enjoy your afternoon with your father in law. Today was good and you weren't really up for it, so maybe tomorrow can be the same?

Please look after yourself, you are so loved and so precious. I'm really worried about you.

Love you lots,

Ruth x[/quote]

Yes, Hash, you are precious, lovely, loved and 'worth it.'

[Hash]

Just got back from hospital after a trip to a and e. Things are not good between me and hubbie

[Hash]

Sorry could not post properly as on my mobile and very little time last night to do anything.

I am feeling exhausted couldn't sleep last night and neither could hubbie. THings are bad, real bad.

I was meant to go to the unit today and I overslept and ignored my alarm, I really can't be ******** I feel like I am taking on all the burden of the worry over my self harm because we have the stupid rules that hubbie is not allowed to be involved in my self harm.

I saw the same person at the A and E and they were quite concerned about the depth I am going to, I didn't see the psych liaison team as too much hasstle.

Hash

[Beautifully_Broken]

Hash, you need to start being careful. I really hate to hear that you are harming yourself to such extent. I'm not sure this rule, that hubby isn't allowed to get involved is having the desired effect for either of you. I understand that it isn't meant to be pleasent, but by hubby not being allowed 'in' you are taking all the worry, and he is probably still worrying, but not able to say. Can you go back to the people that made this arrangement and say it's not working?

I know things are really bad just now, but I have faith that they will get better. I know you can't see it just now, but just like good times don't last forever, neither do the bad.

If the A+E doctors are worried about the depth you are going, then it's maybe time to start thinking about getting extra support. A+E doctors are used to seeing lots of things, but for them to be concerned means that things really aren't good! Thing of the effect these wounds will be having on your body. The blood you loose will be playing havoc with your blood pressure, there's a major risk of infection and the possibility that you damage something that isn't as easy to repair.

I really think that you need to get some additional help and support, as this level of harming isn't going to be sustainable in the long run. Please think about it!

Lot's of people love you, and hate to see you hurting this bad! Please be careful!

Love you, Ruth x

[Hash]

WHere do I get that support from?

[sally]

((((((( Hash )))))))

Getting through each day sounds so hard for you and I'm sorry things have become more difficult between you and Peter.
The technique of giving tools back and giving us responsibility was used with me after spending 11 months locked up with a nurse watching me all the time. It was scary and didn't always work; and I know it is the treatment ethos at Bethlem.

But if you are finding it so destructive, perhaps it is time to re-discuss it? Is the family therapy organised through Bethlem or more locally? I just wondered if that might be a forum where you and Peter could talk about it.

I know how hard it is to get any other support. Do you have much contact with the local church and could there be any support from that direction or no go?

All I know to do is to keep praying for you and asking God to help you and bring you hope that one day things can change for the better for you Hash.
So I'm thinking of you lots right now,
sally

[Hash]

No chance of support through the local church, I am not plugged in with them at the moment.

The family therapy is through the Bethlem and it finishes soon. We need to use it wisely.

Your right every day and night is a struggle right now and I'm really getting into difficulty particularly with my self harming and the urges I have are for permanent severe debilitating injuries.

Hash

[Keziah]

Hash, great you got that family therapy I hope it is helping.

Could you some of the skills you learnt during your time in the maudsley unit to help you?

I hope your dogs are a good distraction for you in difficult times.

[Eppie]

Hi Hash
I'm sorry it's all so difficult for you at the moment? How are you doing today?
Is there anything that you've done or read in the past which has helped? Someone reminded me yesterday to read some notes that I'd made in the past, which I did this morning, and it helped me.
E x

[littleone]

Hey,

I just wanted to say have been reading this thread and thinking of you lots, how are you feeling this week?
x