harmed ***maytrig sh******

For and about self harmers / people with other issues

Re: harmed ***maytrig sh******

Postby Hash » Wed Jul 02, 2014 8:08 pm

I managed to distract today and I managed to hand my blades over to Peter and he put them in the safe until monday when he's giving them back to me.

I didn't sleep last night very much at all and I am struggling with it so much being awake and walking round the house and 2am its just the pits.

sally thanks for thinking of me especially today, i really appreciate it.

I don't feel very happy at all because peter has come home exhausted even though he slept through last night and he is non comunicado and just hopeless I feel so isolated he's the only person I talked to today and he is mr misery guts.

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Re: harmed ***maytrig sh******

Postby sally » Thu Jul 03, 2014 2:07 pm

(((((( Hash )))))))
thinking of you especially right now. Sorry Peter is tired and not offering much support or encouragement at the moment. Hope that might shift during the afternoon? Could you perhaps walk the dogs together when it is a bit cooler?

That must have been very hard giving Peter the blades when urges were strong. Well done. I'm really glad you did that. The not sleeping is extremely hard isn't it. It makes the days so long too. Could you speak with the person who has prescribed the increase in meds if there is anything else you could take in conjunction that might enable you to sleep a bit more tonight?

I'm praying for you Hash.

Sally
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Re: harmed ***maytrig sh******

Postby Hash » Fri Jul 04, 2014 12:37 pm

Peter recovered from his major bad day, he went to bed at 7.30pm and slept till the morning. I got throughout the night.

I bought more blades and I am keeping them.

I saw my psych this morning and he gave me some extra dose of meds at night and said I can use my clonazepam at night he said if my not sleeping continues I have to go through a sleep starvation process to get me sleeping. Not looking forward to that.

He's also given me 50mg of quetiapine PRN to play with so I can use that to stop me from harming in the day.

It's a bit weird, I want to harm but I am feeling good however I am struggling with Abandonment issues.

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Re: harmed ***maytrig sh******

Postby sally » Sat Jul 05, 2014 3:34 pm

Hello Hash,

I really hope you can get some sleep at last with the extra meds you have been prescribed. I pray that will help in how you feel?

Good news that after Peter caught up on his sleep, things were easier there.

Can you say a little more about what is behind your struggle right now with abandonment issues eg, some situation that is causing you to feel less supported or fearful? I am praying for you,

Sally
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Re: harmed ***maytrig sh******

Postby Hash » Tue Jul 08, 2014 11:12 pm

abandonment issues are that my Father in Law and my Mother in law have gone away but are back tomorrow after a week away and my therapist is in Brazil for the world cup and a conference so not got him either.

At the moment what is tipping me over the edge is our financial situation in that we are spending £1,000 a month on Psych services and that is about a third of what we earn each month. Peter is now saying we need to be really careful what we spend and where as previous;y we shopped at M and S for all our food now its Lidl and its a big jump down from what I am used to. I am used to spending money whenever I want and buying things whenever I need them but now thinking about what we are spending and all because I am unwell and need professional care.

Don't get me wrong the services we have received from Leon and Thomas have been brilliant and Leon in particular ( the psychiatrist) has got me out of the depths of despair where I was scoring a 1 / 10 to a 7/10 with his changes in drugs.

i am not sleeping well yet but I am sure I will do.

I am blaming myself for all our financial worries, we shouldn't really be worried as we have a very large chunk of savings and we are not in debt in any way but i am blaming myself for our stress because I am the one that caused it so it is for that reason I feel I need to self harm tomorrow.

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Re: harmed ***maytrig sh******

Postby sally » Wed Jul 09, 2014 11:40 am

Hash,

how are things going for you so far today? How are you managing with the urges?

I'm really glad you have found such a good psychiatrist and therapist but I can fully understand the financial pressure that puts you into and those changes are big adjustments to make. If the situation was the other way around and Peter was the one unwell, would you blame him for the expense and want his to feel guilty in any way for the getting him the help he need? I doubt that very much, so please try not to give yourself such a hard time that for the moment, this is what you need to use some money for. You are very precious and deserve help to get well.

I pay for most of the back care I have from my own money, which really adds up, but I don't see it as a choice because it helps me to keep more active and independent.

You have done so well, getting though this time and the difficult emotions and thoughts triggered while your in-laws have been away. And I know myself how hard it can be when your therapist is away. When is he due home? At least he final is this w/e, so hopefully not too much longer til you will see him again.

Could you think of a reward that might help you get through today without harming?
I will really be praying for you and that your sleep starts to improve as well.

Sally
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Re: harmed ***maytrig sh******

Postby Hash » Wed Jul 09, 2014 7:44 pm

I got through today and I didn't self harm

Peter came home early so there was no chance to self harm.

Sally you are right when you say what I would do if Peter was unwell and reality is I really wouldn't make him feel bad. I don't think Peter means to make me feel bad however I don't think he really understands how i am feeling.

THanks for praying for me and my sleep etc.

It's good you are spending money on your back as you deserve to be in less pain and able to move more.

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Re: harmed ***maytrig sh******

Postby sally » Fri Jul 11, 2014 5:25 pm

Really well done for getting through Wednesday without harming.
Praying you can have a restful w/e and that you start to sleep a little better.

Sally
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Re: harmed ***maytrig sh******

Postby Hash » Sun Jul 13, 2014 6:32 pm

Thanks Sally I feel better and have had a good weekend

I don't feel like harming I think the meds are working.

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Re: harmed ***maytrig sh******

Postby sally » Sun Jul 13, 2014 6:51 pm

Thats wonderful news Hash. I pray things will continue to improve for you.

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Re: harmed ***maytrig sh******

Postby Hash » Wed Jul 16, 2014 8:33 pm

Feeling lonely and empty

otherwise fine

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Re: harmed ***maytrig sh******

Postby Eppie » Thu Jul 17, 2014 5:48 am

Glad things have improved a bit Hash, but sorry you feel lonely and empty. Would seeing friends or family help or is it more that deep down inside emptiness?
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Re: harmed ***maytrig sh******

Postby Hash » Thu Jul 17, 2014 4:41 pm

I see friends and family,

It occurs in the in-between times and doesn't subside.

Its a deep down emptiness.

today I have been looking at courses at morely college to occupy me but other than that I have time on my hands I could volunteer but my area I am interested in is extremely specialised.

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Re: harmed ***maytrig sh******

Postby Keziah » Thu Jul 17, 2014 6:37 pm

A college course sounds a great idea.

Any volunteering may help you feel less empty. I find holiday times very hard, with time without company and structure so for me work gives me a lot of positives and part-time makes it manageable. Even though your personal interests are specific is there something that fits you energy levels and location that may be a starting place? Or things in church? We have cleaning parties, people needed to do refreshments/flowers/other projects on pretty much regularly!!
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Re: harmed ***maytrig sh******

Postby Hash » Thu Jul 17, 2014 6:58 pm

I only really have mondays free,

I have found a watercolour course for wednesday mornings early, but hubbie is not happy with the price even though I would get it discounted because Im in the support group for ESA.

I need to find the details of the local volunteering agency my preference would be to work with special needs children. preferably in the home context. I could change my days that are free but that would be tricky.

My mother in law is looking for an art course so maybe we could do that together and the other thing she has been looking into is working with an elderly person as part of age uk, meeting in their home.

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Re: harmed ***maytrig sh******

Postby Keziah » Thu Jul 17, 2014 8:44 pm

Perhaps of you did the course you will move towards recovery and then need to see the psychiatrist less often and that will be a saving [grin] - that would be my argument to do the course!!

An art course with MIL sounds good too.


Meant to say that as you and said you were struggling going from M&S to Aldi style food shops, why not use Tesco/Asda which is a more normal price food store who do online.
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Re: harmed ***maytrig sh******

Postby Hash » Fri Jul 18, 2014 6:54 pm

The psychiatrist is modifying my meds very carefully and we are about to reduce my depot injection so I need to see the psychiatrist often.

Yes the art course might help but I already know a lot about how to do art I just need to do some thats all.

I am looking for the cheapest food hence the reason I go to Aldi and Lidl, I do go to Asda and coop as well, the other day we had a ready meal from coop for 75p

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Re: harmed ***maytrig sh******

Postby sally » Fri Jul 18, 2014 8:30 pm

Hello Hash,

that deep loneliness is such a horrible feeling isn't it?! Your ideas of creating some structure for your free times sounds really good.

I really hope you can sort the money for an art course. I get a lot from creative writing, but am rubbish at doing it at home so enjoy finding a low key, non competitive writing group for that inspiration to get started. Is that similar for you with art?

How do you feel about reducing your depot? I seem to remember that was something you'd like to be without from a long time ago, but I know changing meds is always quite daunting. I will pray that goes as smoothly as possible for you,

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Re: harmed ***maytrig sh******

Postby Eppie » Fri Jul 18, 2014 10:11 pm

Hiya Hash, are there any art groups you can go to where you do your art, but with other people around so that there's a bit more impetus to do it?
E x
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Re: harmed ***maytrig sh******

Postby Hash » Sun Jul 20, 2014 7:17 pm

Eppie,

I don't know of any!

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