Cutting ****trig sh *****

For and about self harmers / people with other issues

Cutting ****trig sh *****

Postby Hash » Thu Mar 13, 2014 1:36 am

I want to cut

That's all

Hash
Hash
 
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Re: Cutting ****trig sh *****

Postby Eppie » Thu Mar 13, 2014 7:26 am

Are you able to say what made you feel like that Hash? Hope you were able to sleep. E x
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Re: Cutting ****trig sh *****

Postby sally » Thu Mar 13, 2014 11:49 am

Hash,

how are you feeling today? Are urges still very strong?

do you know what was behind you developing such strong thoughts about cutting yesterday? Were you able to talk with Peter?

I know before you have managed to keep yourself away from home to help postpone and get through the day? What could you do this afternoon that might help you. Would you have any energy to take your lovely dogs for a special walk. Or meet someone for a coffee? Or stay in bed? I remember that has helped keep your safe today.

I am praying for you
Sally
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Re: Cutting ****trig sh *****

Postby Hash » Thu Mar 13, 2014 3:39 pm

I didn't sleep at all.

Then I cancelled everything today and Jazzie was sick three or four times this morning so I didn't get to rest.

I talked to Peter and told him I had blades and first thing he said was can he have them, eventually we agreed that I could have them on Monday.

Basically three things upsetting me:

1) Peter being too absorbed in his own problems at work that he has no capacity to listen to mine, he falls asleep in bed so quick that we don't talk

2) my friends hen do is in a weeks time and I am dreading it and I have history with the Bride and a few of the women and I just want to harm over this alone.

3) My therapy is ending and my relationship with my individual therapist has broken down.

the blades are with Peter and I am not about to go out the house I am still in my pi's.

Hash
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Re: Cutting ****trig sh *****

Postby sally » Thu Mar 13, 2014 9:01 pm

Oh Hash,

you sound very low and desperate.
How do you feel now you don't have blades to hand?

You did well to tell Peter and to give him the blades, tho I don't understand the agreement that you get them back on Monday. Would you be able to talk to him about trying to find time for you two to talk together even though he is feeling under pressure with work?

If the hen night is causing you such strong urges, what about deciding not to go so you can protect yourself? Sorry, that might not be possible but I just thought i'd ask.

I really understand the upset of time in a therapy coming to an end and how that can feel. Might there be some way you could help towards repairing the therapeutical relationship with your therapist to help you in the best way possible in the ending of your therapy and to plan for strategies for the future?

I am praying for you,
Sally
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Re: Cutting ****trig sh *****

Postby Hash » Fri Mar 14, 2014 2:45 pm

Sally,

I have to go to the hen do the bride is one of
My best friends or was. I have known her since we were babies.

I feel very bad without my blades

It's me that wants them back
Monday

It's my plan to write to Angela about our therapy.

Hash
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Re: Cutting ****trig sh *****

Postby sally » Fri Mar 14, 2014 8:57 pm

Praying for you Hash. Sorry there seems to be so much pressure in lots of areas. I pray this weekend will be helpful for you, hopefully with a bit more time to talk to Peter.

I like your plan to write to your therapist. I pray that will be constructive so that this ending can be 'managed' in the best way possible for you.

Sally
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Re: Cutting ****trig sh *****

Postby Hash » Sun Mar 16, 2014 9:08 pm

Sally,

I had a good weekend with hubbie in Dorset.

I am still feeling really desperate though, really desperate. I get my blades back tomorrow and I am looking forward to it. Hoever I am also kacking myself at the same time as I know how severe things get and I am scared about it.

Tonight Peter and I have talked about my schedule and also set up a great reward for getting through this week and I am just worried I will let him down.

I am also going to write letters and not send them to the girls that are in my hen do just to get the anger out instead of self harming.

Hash
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Re: Cutting ****trig sh *****

Postby Hash » Sun Mar 16, 2014 9:08 pm

Sally,

I had a good weekend with hubbie in Dorset.

I am still feeling really desperate though, really desperate. I get my blades back tomorrow and I am looking forward to it. Hoever I am also kacking myself at the same time as I know how severe things get and I am scared about it.

Tonight Peter and I have talked about my schedule and also set up a great reward for getting through this week and I am just worried I will let him down.

I am also going to write letters and not send them to the girls that are in my hen do just to get the anger out instead of self harming.

Hash
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Re: Cutting ****trig sh *****

Postby sally » Mon Mar 17, 2014 1:51 pm

(((((((((( Hash ))))))))))

Your w/e away sounds really good. I love Dorset too.
I was already thinking of you getting the blades back today and wondering how you were feeling. I'm sorry to hear you are still feeling so very desperate.

You and Peter seem to have worked hard at coming up with ideas that might help. I will praying for you as you try to use skills and whatever tactics you can think of to get through until the end of the week for this special reward.

The idea of writing letters - and not sending - to express some of the anger you are feeling sounds like it could be really helpful. Could you go to a cafe or somewhere that feels safe to write them if getting in touch with those emotion leaves you feeling more triggered at that time?

you are in my thoughts and prayers,
sally
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Re: Cutting ****trig sh *****

Postby Hash » Mon Mar 17, 2014 5:50 pm

I think Peter's reward idea was an ace one for this week as it seems to have dissuaded me from harming today, I had a major challenge to get up and go out with my friends and her baby to feed the ducks and I was really okay after that I went shopping to buy dinner and some toothpaste and shampoo and sat in Costa for a time drinking coffee.

I didn't ask for the blades this morning so I didn't have them for the day.

It's a day at a time and an hour at a time at the moment and I haven't decided whether I am going to go to the Hen do as some of you and others have said if its too stressful don't go.

I could do today but tomorrow is another issue I think I am too scared of the consequences of my harming i.e. the damage I cause and the enormous palava of getting seen and sometimes needing ambulances and police etc. I am kind of wondering whether I could possibly do damage limitation but I have never been able to do this in the past.

Tomorrow I have a group at 12:50pm and my father in law at 2:30pm and house group in the evening but I am inclined to think maybe I could skip group and tell my fil not to come and then harm.

Hash
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Re: Cutting ****trig sh *****

Postby sally » Mon Mar 17, 2014 9:31 pm

Hash,

I'm glad you managed to find ways to get through today so well. I know just how hard each step through days like that can feel.

Perhaps see how you are feeling tomorrow before you give tomorrow over to harming. As you have plans available for the day, perhaps they might help you get another day closer to this very special reward.

I am praying for you,
Sally
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Re: Cutting ****trig sh *****

Postby Hash » Mon Mar 17, 2014 11:51 pm

Yes day by day, hour by hour. I might choose to go to my group then meet my fil for coffee and a dog walk on the common and I might even get to house group in the evening.

A bunny means everything to me, they are there when I'm alone and when Peter is asleep and the more soft and cuddly the better and the less the dogs have touched them the better.

Hash
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Re: Cutting ****trig sh *****

Postby sally » Tue Mar 18, 2014 1:49 pm

A bunny! Is that your reward? How gorgeous!!

I have a friend who has a pet bunny who hops around her flat. He has nibbled his way through a few phone and TV wires but life is good. She's just moved somewhere with a garden so a fox proof run is being built!!

I'm praying for you today and you get yourself through each chunk of time successfully. Do you know, since these urges have been so strong, you have managed to get through 4 whole days. Really well done Hash!!

sal
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Re: Cutting ****trig sh *****

Postby Eppie » Thu Mar 20, 2014 8:58 am

How are you today Hash? Well done for the things you have been putting in place. A bunny would be amazing! E x
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Re: Cutting ****trig sh *****

Postby sally » Mon Mar 24, 2014 3:53 pm

Hello Hash,

how are you? Are you still struggling with urges?
How did the end of last week work out? Were you able to get your reward on Saturday or did things get too difficult?

I am still thinking of you,
Sally
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Re: Cutting ****trig sh *****

Postby Hash » Fri Mar 28, 2014 10:31 pm

I made it,

I got my reward on Sunday, a bright pink bunny from Jelly cat and a top from white stuff.

I have just been taking it a day at a time and just trying my best to stay on track.

Hash
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Re: Cutting ****trig sh *****

Postby sally » Sun Mar 30, 2014 4:19 pm

Hash,

I am so pleased for you!! And lovely rewards! You really deserve them managing not to act on urges when they were so strong.

At those times, one day at a time, one moment at a time is the only way to get through.
Well done!!

How do you feel about this week?

I'll still be praying for you,
Sally
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Re: Cutting ****trig sh *****

Postby Hash » Sun Mar 30, 2014 9:04 pm

This week is difficult but not impossible.

I am not sure what I want as a reward for last week maybe a contribution towards a new pair of trainers.

Tomorrow we are going to the ballet and I am feeling worried about getting to covent garden on my own. We also have no food in the house and I need to sort myself out with some lunch otherwise I will go hungry all day which is probably what I will do.

Sally thank you so much for praying day by day hour by hour for the moment and I will get through.

Hash
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Re: Cutting ****trig sh *****

Postby Keziah » Tue Apr 01, 2014 2:05 pm

How did the ballet go? Sounds a lovely idea. I have never been to convert garden but do enjoy ballet. Wonder what you saw and whether you managed the transport ok?
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