Torn

For and about self harmers / people with other issues

Torn

Postby Beautifully_Broken » Tue Feb 11, 2014 2:10 pm

Hey,

I thought rather than post replies on the topic Hash started, I'd start one that I had written. In regards to health, things have been pretty poor since getting out of hospital. I was kind of hoping that the treatment had worked and was just taking a few days to settle, but last night reinforced the fact that the treatment hasn't made any difference.

I am waiting on a reply to from the CEO of Greater Glasgow and Clyde health board, after writing to him and explaining all the problems I've been having with the neurology consultants and also to see if he will grant me a second opinion out with Glasgow. Once I have received his reply, I will be able to decide if I should phone neurosurgery or not, as I don't feel I should have to wait as long as everyone else, when I've already seen a neurosurgeon. (I saw the neurosurgeon back in August, but my consultant neurologist changed my diagnosis without telling me, therefore my neurosurgeon couldn't do anything. It was a positive appointment though, and the neurosurgeon was amazing. I'd trust him drilling into my skull!)

With regards to uni, I'm not sure I want to continue. But I am not sure if this is because I know that at this moment in time there is no way I could actually do a day's work on a ward and my concentration is really poor, or if I just don't want to do it any more. I know that if I could, regardless of beyond September, complete first year, then it wouldn't be a waste, as you receive credits and a certificate for every year you complete. If I don't complete first year, all the hard work from September to April last year, will all have been for nothing. I'm trying to be realistic though, would I be able to go straight back to uni after brain surgery? Will I be able to drive? How long will it take me to heal? And if I need further surgery (which is a distinct possibility) how long will recovery be after that? So with all this floating around my insanely sore head, I'm trying to come up with a back up plan. I've looked into college courses, and I've found one which is two years at college and two years at uni. It looks really interesting and something I think I could be pretty good at. I'm going into my old college tomorrow to have a natter with a couple of the people I worked with during the summer and I will also make enquiries about this course, if they feel it would suit me and how tuition fees would work out having already completed a year at college and half a year at uni.

As well as all the health worries and fears about the future, the loss of my friend has devastated me. My heart hurts and I honestly didn't think someone who claims to be a Christian could be so horrible. I invested a lot of time, energy and money into this friendship. I stood by him, I helped him out, bought his shopping, was there for him, even if I wasn't feeling 100%. And now he's completely broken contact with me and when I tried to give him a letter and ask for my belongings back he shut the door in my face at church. He raised his voice at me and made out that I was in the wrong, when in actual fact, I have done nothing. I'm hurt, deeply and he fails to realise how he has made me feel. I can't even go in to church now without shaking in fear that he is there. This isn't how it should be, he should be the one shaking in fear as he's the one in the wrong. Usually I apologise for everything, even if there is no need for me too, but on this I am trying to stand my ground and not apologise. I have nothing to apologise for.

This loss of my friend, as well as the uncertainties of my health and the future, has been causing me to seriously contemplate harming. My reasoning for not harming has been because of uni, because of needing to pass occupational health, however, it's looking unlikely at the moment that I will be returning to uni and harming is always the fall back option when I feel like this. I don't want to jeopardise the option of going back to uni, but since I'm pretty convinced uni isn't going to happen, then it makes harming seem like the right option. I've been trying so hard to try and stay positive, but it's beginning to get impossible. And I just really want to harm. I don't even feel I can tell anyone, because I know what they will say, and it won't help. I honestly just wish someone knew and could understand how I feel. I know people will understand bits of it and be able to relate, but it's everything. It feels impossible to see a way forward from here. I'm feeling completely left behind. All my 'friends' have moved out of their parents and forward into their own lives. They have good jobs, good prospects and I'm still living at home, without a career and without my health. I know I should compare myself to other people, but I do. It's so hard. And it's even harder when I have no energy to do anything, so I sit, for hours on end thinking about all the things I could have done if life had been different. And I know that a lot of people could say the same, but knowing that doesn't help.

Anyway, I've ranted on enough! I'd just like to thank you all for being so faithful. I really have to try and make more of an effort to use my laptop more.

Keeping you all in my prayers,

Love Ruthie x
With Jesus I can take it,
With Him I know I can stand,
No matter what may come my way,
My life is in your hands.

It's lonely when you don't even know yourself...
Beautifully_Broken
 
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Location: Scotland

Re: Torn

Postby Keziah » Wed Feb 12, 2014 9:14 pm

Hi Ruth

Thanks for keeping us updated. Sounds a difficult and challenging time. Will pray you have wisdom about what you do.

My only thought from reading your thread is you are right, finishing one year of Uni is really worthwhile - in case you wish to return to the course if leave it and health all sorted in near future, for credits etc. And if you are looking at doing a college course instead, and looking at funding for that - then if you were well enough to do college course, then could you finish this course? Lots of uni's can offer your course you currently doing as part-time, is that an option to switch to? People I know have had to take a break from the course you are doing for maternity leave etc, so I do not see it as any different.

Hope your reply goes well.

Regarding your friend can you tell someone at church what you posted here?

love
kezzie
Keziah
 
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Re: Torn

Postby Hash » Sat Feb 22, 2014 10:41 pm

i don't think your well enough physically for uni or a permanent job but I reckon at this moment all you could manage would be a part time job to get you some money whilst your waiting for surgery and in between surgeries.

You get tiered so easily so you need something easy, whats happened to the pet photography idea?

Hash
Hash
 
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Re: Torn

Postby Eppie » Thu Mar 20, 2014 9:00 am

Not sure where things are up to for you Ruth, but just wanted you to know that you aren't forgotten. E x
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Re: Torn

Postby Keziah » Sun May 11, 2014 5:14 pm

Hi wondered how things are for you now? How are things medically - any useful appointments or treatments offered? Hope so.
Keziah
 
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Re: Torn

Postby Hash » Sun May 11, 2014 7:58 pm

I will text Ruth and ask her to update you,

She is very busy as back at University and on Placement at the moment.

She is due to go into hospital soon

Hash
Hash
 
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Re: Torn

Postby Keziah » Sun May 11, 2014 8:13 pm

Oh how exciting if she has managed to return to her course, I know she feared she may not be able to!
Keziah
 
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Re: Torn

Postby Beautifully_Broken » Sun May 11, 2014 8:50 pm

Hey,

Hash dropped me a wee text to say you were asking after me. How kind!

Sorry I haven't been around, as hash said I am back at Uni and currently on placement. I am literally crawling through placement, taking it hour by hour and setting myself wee rewards, like take aways if my parents are out when I get back and I bought myself a new pair of shoes for passing an exam!

Placement has been good. The staff are fab and really accommodating with regards to health and hospital appoints. I've to be admitted to hospital in the next few weeks, possibly for intracranial pressure monitoring. So that's kinda stressful! But otherwise, I'm doing not to badly! Health wise, I'm pretty poorly, but I'm getting there.

God has really been sustaining me. I could not be doing this on my own, so I'm really feeling blessed.
With Jesus I can take it,
With Him I know I can stand,
No matter what may come my way,
My life is in your hands.

It's lonely when you don't even know yourself...
Beautifully_Broken
 
Posts: 1066
Joined: Sat Oct 11, 2008 3:24 pm
Location: Scotland

Re: Torn

Postby Keziah » Sun May 11, 2014 9:10 pm

So pleased to hear you have been accepted back on your course. Rewards sound good.
I found training so hard but actually when having a job easier - as no essays etc just the "placements" so it does get easier!
Is this year two you have started or completing year one?
One person I know completed year one. Then did all the essays etc on time for yr two and three but did not have the health to do full time placements so did them reduced hours and at the end of yr 3 did one extra placement to make up the hours she had missed. So there is always flexibility.
Glad the placement so helpful. Must be horrid being so ill. Hope the testing is helpful for you.
Keziah
 
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Re: Torn

Postby sally » Mon May 12, 2014 12:59 pm

Hello Ruth,

so lovely to hear from you. I'm amazed to think you are back at Uni. It's great you have got such a good placement and they are sympathetic to hospital appointments.

well done on passing that exam. A new pair of shoes sounds a brilliant reward.

How are the headaches? will you let us know when you'll be going in to hospital when you find that out.

best wishes, sally
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