Urges *** Trig SH***

[Keziah]

That does sound hopefully helpful.

I had not heard of family therapy for adults - but just you and hubby sounds good as that is who you live with etc.

Gentle sounds a good idea.

How are you feeling today? Have things eased?

[Hash]

Still got the urges their coming thick and fast at the moment hopefully I will get through to reward day tomorrow.

I'm feeling triggered cos once again I've got to be assessed for ESA and that really unsettles me

[Keziah]

Hi hope a nice reward to look forward to.

Hope ESA not too tough on you. If really stressful can you try ignoring it until it has to happen? If you had it before successfully and do not get it then it is because you have made progress and the therapies you done/doing working which is a positive.

If you get DLA has it been affected with the government moving it over to a PIP? Think timescales vary for when people get it moved over. Am helping someone who had DLA that has to be reapplied for as it runs out before they move it all over to the PIP which is a right hassle. Not sure if they need to be interviewed for it etc. the forms are a nightmare, but thankfully she kept the old ones so just copying the relevant bits!!

[Hash]

I pretty much haven't changed since the last time I applies for this ESA last so it won't be a problem getting it again.

I don't get DLA anymore I gave it up a while back.

My urges are strong cos of it so we decided to fill in the form. I have the old ones so I just changed the wording.

I feel I need to prove I'm sick.

Hash

[sally]

Hash,

sorry you are battling with such strong urges. I hope you can use that reward to help you find ways to keep going throughout today.

I understand your anxiety about the assessment. Well done tackling the form. I do the same by keeping copies of previous forms for things like that. Hopefully when they see that things are just as hard for you as before, they will accept that your illness is needing longer time for therapy to help you make any changes.

I'm praying, Sally

[Hash]

Things have come to a head I bought something to harm with and I am likely to damage more than just muscle and fat and I may well damage permanently with this tool so I am likely to be in trouble as hubbie has said he will leave me if I do permanent disabling damage but for some reason I want to challenge that so I am likely to get into trouble. Peter and I have been arguing all night and he wants that tool.

I haven't finished the ESA form as it is so long winded but I will.

Tomorrow Peter is out after work till late with work and I have nothing going on and I am worried that I harm myself tomorrow. I think I will but I have to go to the doctors at five ten and I am worried I will harm before.

Hash

[sally]

Oh Hash,

this all sounds very alarming. How have you been managing so far today?

I am praying that the desire to test out whether Peter would really leave you if you caused permanent damage will ease and you will be able to get through without harming in any way today. Perhaps you could take the tool with you to the doctor and give it to them if you are able?

Please go gently Hash. You are so precious; God's daughter who he loves so much. That will never change no matter what you do, but He wants to bring hope and joy in to your life, freedom from harming and self-hating.

best wishes, Sally

[sally]

Hash,

did you make it to the appointment with your doctor? How did that go? Did you feel able to say about the urges you are battling with and that you have a tool?

I'm still praying for you this evening while Peter is out.

Sally

[Keziah]

Hash you do not need to injure yourself to prove to the ESA you are ill. Just write down which medical professionals are involved with you, your diagnosis and what treatment you are on. That will be enough, honestly.

You are ill. So hope you can be kind to you . Did you get your reward?

[sally]

Hello Hash,

how are you? Knowing you were is such a struggle I have continues to remember you in prayer.

I'm wondering if you might have been admitted to hospital if things escalated, but I am praying you are safe and managing as best as possible.

Go gently if you can,
Sally

[Hash]

I have stayed safe and no need to be admitted, cor I really don't want to go back there.

I cannot remember whether I told you Peter wanted to leave me if I disabled myself and I was having thoughts of doing soomething that would either permanently disable me or temporarily disable me and I was worried about how I would cope without him but thankfully he withdreew the comment and I handed over my blades and that was that.

ESA form nearly completed and got plenty of supporting evidence to go with it so no worries

Still got the urges though and want to self harm big time really big time but I know I could get churcked off my course because of it and placed in the psych ward again and i dont want that.

Hash

[sally]

Hash,

Wow! I'm so relieved you got through without any harming cos it was clear you might have done something very damaging and also that part of the desperation came from knowing what Peter had said to you.

You did very well trying to hold on the negatives, the thought of readmission, having to leave the therapy and pushing Peter away in a way I wasn't sure you could cope with.

I'm praying the urges you are still having will ease and you will continue trying to talk with Peter,
Sally

[Hash]

Thanks Sally

[Hash]

I really need to harm and I don't care if it leaves to my death, I pretty much want to die.

I don't envisage myself changing at all I am set to die that is what I am set to do.

Hash

[sally]

Hash,

things sound very desperate and dangerous again for you. I think if you printed that last post and took it to your GP she would arrange an emergency admission for you.

I understand that at the moment you feel determined to harm and are ambivolant perhaps about the consequences. But death is so final. There is no chance of coming through the depression and starting to find some positives in your life again.

Other people want to help you and care about you. Could you try to talk to someone today about how you are feeling?

Praying for you right now,
Sally

[Hash]

I pretty much fell apart in the doctors surgery I didnt cry but I could not communicate very well.

Melissa ( GP) has passed on about me to the team in charge of my care and wants me to phone crisis if things get any worse tonight.

I had my Father in Law with me today, tomorrow is therapy which I dont want to go to and nothing.

I feel set to carry out things tomorrow but Peter wants me to go to therapy.

Thanks for caring so much Sally

Hash

[Keziah]

Hi why it phone the crisis , may help a bit to have extra support. Sorry things so hard right now.

[Hash]

I can only phone Crisis line out of hours and Peter is around then, plus I dont know what to say I have stopped communicating to those closest to me

Hash

[Keziah]

Did you manage to get to therapy? If your team are concerned they can out in crisis team support for extra daily support as well can't they?

Do you have anything nice to look forwards to?

[Hash]

I just stayed in bed this morning I did not want the questions that would come at me if I was to go to therapy.

I dont think my team understand how serious things have got but I am not helping cos I am unable to get myself to therapy.

THey can call out the crisis team and they would have done had I got there this morning. I don't feel able to call crisis I will cal Samaritans cos they won't stop me committing Suicide.

I feel really desperate and I think its only a matter of days before I carry out my plan but I dont want any interventions.

Hash