Urges *** Trig SH***

For and about self harmers / people with other issues

Urges *** Trig SH***

Postby Hash » Sat Oct 05, 2013 8:51 pm

Dear Peeps.

I wrote a long post and it all got deleted.

I am basically feeling like I want to self harm badly, I have the images in my mind and I am close to buying tools again. I have worked for a reward today and I am not sure how I can hang on much longer.

Church and house group are causing us problems and I have contacted Dave, the Associate Minister and there are three issues which I raised with him. One, that House group is not what we want at all and it is not going where we want it to go and the leadership has changed four times in the last year. Secondly, I don't feel the church supported us at all when I was in hospital five weeks ago, and finally, I do not feel there is any plan for transition when Dave leaves as Associate Minister in the next few months and I don't know the Main minister or the new ministers or any of the leadership.

I feel really rotten, I feel terrible, nothing is making this better I feel like I am going down hill big time.

If I buy tools this is a done deal, I gave all my tools to the Home Treatment Team a few weeks ago.

Hash
Hash
 
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Re: Urges *** Trig SH***

Postby Beautifully_Broken » Sat Oct 05, 2013 10:59 pm

I think it's really good that you've managed to voice your concerns about church and house group to Dave. Maybe you could organise to meet up with Dave and the leadership team to try and tell them how you want supported. From what I remember, your church is large, with lots of people. It must be hard for the leaders to know everyone's circumstances, all the time and to know what they can do to support those in their congregation that may want or feel they need support. So outlining what would be helpful to you and hubby during those times when you feel you need supported may be of benefit to all of you?

I also think it's good you've managed to tell us your feelings. You've worked so hard to come back from your latest hospital admission and I know, that although your urges are strong, you are stronger. You can over come your urges. I know it's easy for me to say when I'm not in your situation, but you can overcome this. When would you be next able to buy tools? Is there anything you can do to distract yourself from buying tools? Going for coffee? The shop where the staff are always so lovely to you? Walk with the dogs? Even just phoning someone for a chat? Give it a thought.

Take care, look after yourself. You are so precious and so loved.

Praying for you,

Love, Ruth x
With Jesus I can take it,
With Him I know I can stand,
No matter what may come my way,
My life is in your hands.

It's lonely when you don't even know yourself...
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Re: Urges *** Trig SH***

Postby sally » Sun Oct 06, 2013 7:39 pm

Hello Hash,

How are you feeling today? Are the self harm urges still very strong?
Did you manage to get through yesterday without buying tools? Is Pete aware how much you are struggling.

I will be praying,
Sally
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Re: Urges *** Trig SH***

Postby Hash » Mon Oct 07, 2013 10:15 pm

Things are really tough, I met today with two people who were on the pastoral staff at st marks and they've now left the church. I cannot cope with anymore loss/change I am at my limit

I managed to stay busy today and avoid the art shop and the pharmacy but it's hard tomorrow I have to stay in for Peters I phone to be delivered.

I'm desperate to harm really desperate and I want to so it badly as in I want to do something major.

Hash
Hash
 
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Re: Urges *** Trig SH***

Postby Keziah » Mon Oct 07, 2013 10:32 pm

Have you manage stop talk to your therapist Hash about all the changes in your church upsetting you.

I guess in very big changes there are many more people moving around. But it sounds good in that it has pastoral workers and lots of support staff by the sound of it. What did the pastoral staff suggest, as their people will continue to move as they change jobs, marry etc. Did they suggest anything practical to help, like a house group with a leader more likely to stay or would a different church be an option, maybe a smaller one with less staff?
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Re: Urges *** Trig SH***

Postby Hash » Mon Oct 07, 2013 11:18 pm

I really can't cope anymore what's stopped me to now is I need to buy tools but what's to stop me smashing something up and using it as a tool. I seriously can't cope anymore
Hash
 
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Re: Urges *** Trig SH***

Postby sally » Tue Oct 08, 2013 1:37 pm

Hash,

I can hear how much the pressure is building to hurt yourself. You have said that you have a desire for the injury to be major, which I can relate to from the past. But could you think a moment about the worst case scenario - like a paralysis which would reduce your independence or something along those lines?

Who could you tell about how you are feeling and just how strong the urges are? Could you phone them today? I think it would be good to communicate if you can. Remember you can phone one of the helplines as well.

Has the phone arrived yet? I am praying for you,

Sally
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Re: Urges *** Trig SH***

Postby Hash » Tue Oct 08, 2013 9:44 pm

I phoned for help and contacted gp today, I also bought tools.

Worst case scenario would be I cut an artery and no way would I live cos the police have to come first and tha ambulance always takes ages so I would die from blood loss. That would be a good thing.

I have a friend at the unit who is not paralysed because of her injuries and she needs a full time carer. She never completed her six months.

I just have to get through to tomorrow's meeting with my therapist.

Then tomorrow afternoon I'm alone.

Hash
Hash
 
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Re: Urges *** Trig SH***

Postby Beautifully_Broken » Tue Oct 08, 2013 11:49 pm

Are you now saying you are actively suicidal?

Hash, you know how much you are loved, so I won't bore you with that stuff. All I ask is you get help. You are worth more than your illness is allowing you to see. Does seeing your friend need a full time carer not scare you? Please please please try and reach out to someone who's closer to home and can physically support you. I can talk to you and pray for you, but I feel helpless up here in Glasgow.

I love you, and I know with everything going on I'm a bit of a rubbishy friend at the moment, but you can always contact me.

You have been doing fantasticly well, so give yourself credit for doing so well, and know that you've beaten this monster before, you can do it again. Even if you don't believe it, I believe it.

Look after yourself,

Love, Ruth x
With Jesus I can take it,
With Him I know I can stand,
No matter what may come my way,
My life is in your hands.

It's lonely when you don't even know yourself...
Beautifully_Broken
 
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Joined: Sat Oct 11, 2008 3:24 pm
Location: Scotland

Re: Urges *** Trig SH***

Postby sally » Wed Oct 09, 2013 2:29 pm

Hello Hash,

how did your meeting go with your therapist? Could you talk about how strong the urges are? And tell her that you have bought tools? How are you feeling this afternoon. What could you do to help you get through the next few hours without hurting yourself, until Peter gets home?

How did your GP respond? I'm really pleased you managed to make contact.

When I suggested that you try to think about the worst case scenario I was meaning the damage you might cause but that you would have to live with and maybe regret in the future? Like thinking of your friend who has ended up completely dependent on a full time carer. That sounds very tragic. But I'm sorry it brought you to think about your desire for your life to be over. I am so sorry you have been feeling so hopeless and desperate.

I am praying for you especially this afternoon,

Sally
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Re: Urges *** Trig SH***

Postby Hash » Wed Oct 09, 2013 8:39 pm

I had a good appointment with the therapist this morning and it got me through this afternoon.

They are trying to support me as best they can.

Hash
Hash
 
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Re: Urges *** Trig SH***

Postby Keziah » Thu Oct 10, 2013 7:21 pm

Is the extra support helping Hash? How are you today?
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Re: Urges *** Trig SH***

Postby Hash » Thu Oct 10, 2013 8:29 pm

I'm a bit better thanks I think talking to the curate was helpful yesterday and I think having my tools locked away was helpful.

I've been with my mum today.

Hash
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Re: Urges *** Trig SH***

Postby sally » Fri Oct 11, 2013 1:17 pm

Hash,

I'm glad things are feeling a little easier for you. I hope your time with your Mum was supportive. What are you doing today?

You have done well agreeing to lock away the tools for now.

I pray Father God comes close and surrounds you with His love and peace,
sally
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Re: Urges *** Trig SH***

Postby Hash » Fri Oct 11, 2013 9:58 pm

I've been hiding away, didn't do anything I was meant to on Friday and refused to answer phone when gp called and peter called. I feel awful !
Hash
 
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Re: Urges *** Trig SH***

Postby sally » Sat Oct 12, 2013 7:21 pm

Hash,

I'm so sorry yesterday was such a hard day for you. How are you managing to get through today?

I go in to hiding at times too so I know the feeling.

Thinking of you lots, sally
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Re: Urges *** Trig SH***

Postby Hash » Sat Oct 12, 2013 7:41 pm

Really struggled today as well,

Peter wanted to take me out so we went out but there were too many people and I really needed my medication and I didn't have any on me. I felt desperate and really anxious so we did some shopping then came home and I am much better at home.

Tomorrow we have the neighbours coming round at eleven and I am dreading it as I am not ready for them. I have things to put away and their littlies need all valuables out of reach. Will have to wake up early but not feeling ready.

Hash
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Re: Urges *** Trig SH***

Postby Hash » Wed Oct 16, 2013 8:57 pm

Got my first session of family therapy today, they are giving me six months of help.

Hash
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Re: Urges *** Trig SH***

Postby Keziah » Thu Oct 17, 2013 5:11 pm

That sounds encouraging. Is that for you and hubby?

Hope it went well. Sounds like enough sessions to take it gently at the start anyway.
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Re: Urges *** Trig SH***

Postby Hash » Thu Oct 17, 2013 7:51 pm

It's just for hubbie and I, too stressful to get anyone else involved. The dr doing it is really nice but yes enough sessions to start it slow at first.

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