Everyone legging it Everything changing

[Hash]

Feeling really unsettled.

Peter is dieing to go to New Zealand he just wants to be with our best friends but I can't cope with the journey and don't want to unsettle myself when I am only just stable.

Our housegroup is falling apart at the seems, people keep leaving and the leaders keep changing. I am feeling so unsettled. Nothing ever stays the same round here and so many people in housgroup just ignored the fact I was unwell so I feel bitter. I am trying to forgive them but its hard. One of them even called me an Acquaintance not a friend even though I had been to her baby shower and bought her lots of gifts for her new baby.

I am feeling so upset that so many people legged it from me when I was ill. Noone at church helped me, well one person did but only out of duty.

Hash

[Keziah]

Hi it is hard when people do not do what we hope of them or what we would do for them. But I guess the key to it is trying not to let other people's actions or behaviours affect us.

I have had a summer of not great things... Anniversary of a parent's death, very ill hubby who needed surgery and two stays in hospital for 3 weeks, a cancelled holiday and a child to care for by myself and all housework and admin. Only one practical offer of help from church and a church I have been in for a long time. And yes it hurts. Only one offer of support from friends and so it goes on. Yes it hurt. But I can maybe analyse it and say I did not ask specific people for specific things, people were on holiday, I always look like I cope, people work or have families etc etc. I share my little story which I know is not the same as you being in hospital and so ill to say that life is not always how we would want it but we cannot change other people and as I found out I ultimately have to take responsibility for me and my things and if it is just me so be it.

Perhaps see you hubby and your therapist and your mental health workers etc as your support for illness? So many people cannot imagine what mental illness is or how to deal with it so ignore it. And many people do not know what to say. I guess they know you getting professional help and maybe do not want to interfere? Lots of reasons. Until the death of my parent recently I realised I had never sent people sympathy cards, gone to memorials etc and yet on reflection I now know what helped and how I need to behave differently to others. Sometimes until people undergo something they do not know how to react.

Maybe Peter feels he would benefit from a holiday? I know he refused the carer's assessment but maybe a holiday is his way of recharging his batteries from a draining and stressful time for him, hence his idea. Agree it does not sound practical to g right now for you. Maybe think about when you may like a nice holiday?

Feel free to say Keziah has got it totally wrong and her waffle is utter rubbish and totally ignore it.

[Keziah]

On a different note why not talk to your therapist about P's idea of a trip to NZ and see what the medical people think?

[asc]

I agree that it would probably help to discuss the holiday with your therapist, perhaps with Peter there.

It's so sad about church. I find I expect support, as I don't have any human family, but everyone is so wrapped up in their own family and singles in their 60s are invisible! I think the lack of knowledge about mental health issues means people often ignore it for fear of saying something wrong. Others may even be afraid they can 'catch it.' If, when you are stable, you have the opportunity of sharing a bit about mental health and illness it could help, as you are very good with words. I'm trying to arrange something like this.

It must be very difficult with the house group. It is so sad when there are changes and disagreements in groups, and I pray that you will find the stability there that you need.

[sally]

Hash,

I'm sorry you are feeling unsettled with the various changes going on and unsupported from people you hoped would be there for you during this time of being unwell.

It wasn't that long ago that you were telling us that your housegroup leaders were leaving and how much you were going to miss them. Perhaps other people are also feeling unsettled by their departure, and that is what is behind the other changes that have been going on?

when I was in crisis earlier this year I did talk to one of my church leaders regularly and I also asked him to get people to pray for me at a prayer meeting. Perhaps people find it easier if you can tell them what you are wanting them to do?

Who could stay with you if Peter was to go to New zealand?

thinking of you lots, Sally

[Hash]

My house group leaders have changes four times since those ones left.

Peter would have to go to NZ for three weeks and I can't envisage me coping for three weeks without him let alone if my inlaws stayed.

You've all it sounds had your own experiences of church people being unsupportive and needing to communicate lots to get what you need or never getting it.
My church is a massive church so I am expecting alot for them to even recognise me and know I have been a member for three or four years. the VIcar doesnt even know who I am and the curates are leaving so no consistancy there even though I am really good friends with one of the Curates.

I will talk to therapist, shes gone away for two weeks now.

Hash

[Beautifully_Broken]

Unfortunately, it sounds like everyone has had the same kind of experiences with churches being unsupportive, which I think is really upsetting. But Hash, I don't think you are expecting too much. You should expect to be known. Do you think you could go to COW and maybe try and establish yourself there, and then if you weren't there people would notice? It might be easier because COW is smaller and more intimate than your Sunday service?

I can understand you not wanting to go away to NZ at the moment and I can understand why Peter would want too, but maybe you and Peter could come to a compromise? Could you do a short break in the near future to a hotel somewhere nice and relaxing? Close enough that if you needed it, you could get treatment, but far enough away from the stresses and strains of home and work? And maybe make a tentative arrangement to go to NZ late this year, early next year?

I think you could cope without Peter for a while, but I don't necessarily think it would be a good idea. But if it came to it, I'd be happy to come down for a week and stay with you.

I know I've been quiet for a while, but it doesn't mean I'm not thinking or praying for you.

Take care,

Love, Ruth x