Not coping ***Trig Sui***

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Not coping ***Trig Sui***

Postby asc » Tue Jul 16, 2013 12:39 pm

Why doesn't the Lord just take me now? I don't even see any point in harming - it won't help. I don't want to be here.
Ann www.annspoetry.weebly.com / www. annssmallpets.weebly.com
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Corinthians 12v9
"You are God's masterpiece." Ephesians 2v10 God doesn't make junk!
asc
 
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Re: Not coping ***TRIGGER***

Postby sally » Tue Jul 16, 2013 2:07 pm

Ann,

you sound very low and hopeless. I'm so sorry that being alive doesn't seem worth the effort at the moment.
Are you having suicidal urges?

I'm asking Father God to surround you with His presence and fill you with his love, peace and hope.

Please post again so say more of how you are feeling and phone your GP or the Samaritans if you feel suicidal. Your life does matter!

Sally
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Re: Not coping ***TRIGGER***

Postby asc » Tue Jul 16, 2013 4:49 pm

Yes, I am.

I have an appointment with my GP on Thursday. I have postponed my boiler work again, but must really work steadily at things from now until then.

I am pulling out of most rat shows and want to devote more one-to-one play time with them. Since the end of February things have been slipping, and shows have been something to endure, not enjoy. The one on Sunday was particularly hard - I don't cope well with the heat. Unfortunately I made a post on one forum which produced a lot of criticism and back-stabbing which have really upset me - especially from someone I particularly respect. They think I must be a poor rat-keeper. We agree that rats pick up on their owner's emotions, and I have been struggling since February, which has contributed to the rats being less happy. They (humans) have no idea what it is like to live with chronic depression and how the constant criticism is destroying me. I'm becoming scared to say anything about the real problems on the forum.

I have counselling tomorrow. I hate myself. I struggle with faith at times. When our officers changed, I hoped I would get more support, but in some ways I don't and find it hard. I do find them rather dictatorial - e.g. telling me I should 'get rid of' some of my rats. It's not as easy as that - they would need good, reliable homes. It wouldn't be fair to pass on the ones with chronic health issues. I love my rats - but sometimes I wish I hadn't become so involved.
Ann www.annspoetry.weebly.com / www. annssmallpets.weebly.com
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Corinthians 12v9
"You are God's masterpiece." Ephesians 2v10 God doesn't make junk!
asc
 
Posts: 2581
Joined: Sun Apr 27, 2008 1:36 pm
Location: Tunbridge Wells, Kent

Re: Not coping ***TRIGGER***

Postby Keziah » Tue Jul 16, 2013 7:30 pm

Ann- I hope counselling helps. Do you think you may be struggling in fact because you are doing counselling? I was told often things get worse in counselling (as realise what work need to do, what may need to change etc which is hard) before they get better. Is this Christian counselling or through your gp? If Christian, could you ask them to pray with you tomorrow.
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Re: Not coping ***TRIGGER***

Postby asc » Tue Jul 16, 2013 8:27 pm

This is Christian counselling at Burrswood, which I find extremely helpful. I have spells of counselling, addressing specific problems. I want to look at various aspects of loss, which have been involved with this latest episode, and also with the house situation.

Most of the problems which have occurred over the last few months have been rat show related, which is why I have decided to take a break. This weekend I have felt really stabbed in the back by people I trusted. I have been feeling that I'm spending less time on the rats than I should, and have also been feeling extremely guilty about the state of the house. Having postponed the boiler yet again takes some pressure off, so long as I really work on it in the meantime. I'm also struggling with the weather.
Ann www.annspoetry.weebly.com / www. annssmallpets.weebly.com
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Corinthians 12v9
"You are God's masterpiece." Ephesians 2v10 God doesn't make junk!
asc
 
Posts: 2581
Joined: Sun Apr 27, 2008 1:36 pm
Location: Tunbridge Wells, Kent

Re: Not coping ***TRIGGER***

Postby Hash » Tue Jul 16, 2013 8:59 pm

GOod idea to take it easy with the Rat Shows and focus just on enjoying your Rats and playing with them and enjoying each and every one.

I am sorry you have postponed the boiler being done again, How can you plan your tasks for the next due time they are coming.

It is a shame you are feeling so like you want God to take you. I was wondering like Kezzie whether the COunselling was stirring things up and upsetting you a little.

Hash
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Re: Not coping ***Trig Sui***

Postby Eppie » Wed Jul 17, 2013 7:14 am

Hi Ann
Sorry things are so hard. I agree with Kezzie and Hash that counselling can sometimes make things feel worse before they feel better.
Are you ever able to stay at Burrswood? I'm wondering if planning a few days away/retreat would be helpful.
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Re: Not coping ***Trig Sui***

Postby asc » Wed Jul 17, 2013 9:28 am

I have two 4-day breaks in August, which should be good - can't afford more. ( 'Be Creative' retreat, which should be brilliant, and the Digital Imaging days.)

I will make sure I do some work each day so things are ready for August. I have an urgent appointment with my GP tomorrow.

I'm feeling better for having postponed my judge training and pulling out of most shows. They have been a source of a lot of stress - partly as I get too competitive when I don't stand a chance, partly the finance and partly the travelling, and knowing some rats don't like it.

Now to spend some time getting back to really getting the rats cool and happy.
Ann www.annspoetry.weebly.com / www. annssmallpets.weebly.com
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Corinthians 12v9
"You are God's masterpiece." Ephesians 2v10 God doesn't make junk!
asc
 
Posts: 2581
Joined: Sun Apr 27, 2008 1:36 pm
Location: Tunbridge Wells, Kent

Re: Not coping ***Trig Sui***

Postby sally » Wed Jul 17, 2013 1:46 pm

Ann,

I'm really glad you have made an emergency appointment to see your GP tomorrow. Well done!
How was your counseling session today?

It sounds as if the showing had become a huge stress and I am really sorry about peoples posts that have felt so attacking and judgemental against you. I hope the break from showing does take that pressure off you. Try not to give yourself a hard time about how being depressed may effect the happiness of your rats. I think all pets are sensitive to the mood of their owners, but there may be benefits in that you may be home more so giving them extra company with you. i hope you find some pleasure as your play with them a bit more.

Sounds like postponing the boiler people until next month will help you get more ready for them as you now have a little longer to prepare.

I agree this heat is oppressive and draining. Go gently when you can. I'm glad you have got a couple of times away next month to look forward to.
I will keep praying for you,
sally
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Re: Not coping ***Trig Sui***

Postby asc » Wed Jul 17, 2013 8:20 pm

My hospital appointment proved to be for today, so I had a very good counselling session this morning and my first psychiatric appointment this afternoon. No major change in treatment, but adding pregabalin, which will also help with pain.

I'm wondering why I put off seeing a psychiatrist for so long! She was great - no making me change medication, permission to continue diazepam as a crisis measure, and reassurance that tolerance and dependence only occur when it is taken regularly for a week or more, continue nortriptyline ) for pain and depression and start gradually on pregabalin (for anxiety and pain). I also have a crisis line number (I seldom need it, but could have done with it on Monday - and a couple of months ago when I had so many rat problems. On both occasions I had problems with the 'generic' helpline.) Feeling much better today
Ann www.annspoetry.weebly.com / www. annssmallpets.weebly.com
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Corinthians 12v9
"You are God's masterpiece." Ephesians 2v10 God doesn't make junk!
asc
 
Posts: 2581
Joined: Sun Apr 27, 2008 1:36 pm
Location: Tunbridge Wells, Kent

Re: Not coping ***Trig Sui***

Postby Keziah » Thu Jul 18, 2013 5:17 pm

That is great news about the psychiatrist. Will you see them again, or only if need to change mediction.

Does the crisis line go to the CMHT or to a charity? Not heard of people having access to crisis lines here other than if referred to see crisis team based at the hospital so just wondered if it was a joined up service you were getting.

Great to reassure you about medication, hope that helps you.

I hope reducing travel with rat shows is helping you and giving you more time to care for them in this heat.
Keziah
 
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Re: Not coping ***Trig Sui***

Postby asc » Thu Jul 18, 2013 7:24 pm

I see her in 4 weeks.

Yes, this is a crisis line for mental health service users in the county. In the day I can ring the team locally, and there is the Mental Health Matters line which covers several counties - and appears to be based in Sheffield!
Ann www.annspoetry.weebly.com / www. annssmallpets.weebly.com
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Corinthians 12v9
"You are God's masterpiece." Ephesians 2v10 God doesn't make junk!
asc
 
Posts: 2581
Joined: Sun Apr 27, 2008 1:36 pm
Location: Tunbridge Wells, Kent

Re: Not coping ***Trig Sui***

Postby Hash » Thu Jul 18, 2013 9:39 pm

Your really lucky seeing the Psychiatrist in 4 weeks, that is not normal.

Hash
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Re: Not coping ***Trig Sui***

Postby asc » Fri Jul 19, 2013 9:23 am

I think we're very lucky in our health trust! Strangely, the centre for outpatient services is the place where I was born!
Ann www.annspoetry.weebly.com / www. annssmallpets.weebly.com
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Corinthians 12v9
"You are God's masterpiece." Ephesians 2v10 God doesn't make junk!
asc
 
Posts: 2581
Joined: Sun Apr 27, 2008 1:36 pm
Location: Tunbridge Wells, Kent

Re: Not coping ***Trig Sui***

Postby sally » Fri Jul 19, 2013 8:12 pm

Hello Ann,

I was wondering how you have been feeling today?
I'm glad your first meeting with a psychiatrist was successful and left you reassured that they weren't just about changing medication. I hope starting back on the pregabalin will help you both mood wise and with the pain.

Best wishes, Sally
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Re: Not coping ***Trig Sui***

Postby Keziah » Sat Jul 20, 2013 12:07 pm

Hash - no it is not normal, but Asc is under the older adults mental health team so I imagine that would have less users and more time!
I had to wait 4 months when at top of a cancellation list once, so adult mental health psychiatrists generally are very busy.

So glad Asc they have offered you a different medication to help. Will the psychiatrist be able to help you with the pain side of things as I know that your physical health affects your mental state. Can the Older Adults mental health team perhaps provide you with a support worker to help you tidy your home, as that seems to be an area that causes you distress too. Worth an ask, if you tell them what you struggle with you may just get it!!
Keziah
 
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Re: Not coping ***Trig Sui***

Postby asc » Sun Jul 21, 2013 10:29 pm

Feeling devastated tonight. Before I went to afternoon service my youngest, beautiful, almost hairless rat was lively and happy. When I came home at about 9pm she was dead. She was really special, although I had her for such a short time.
Ann www.annspoetry.weebly.com / www. annssmallpets.weebly.com
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Corinthians 12v9
"You are God's masterpiece." Ephesians 2v10 God doesn't make junk!
asc
 
Posts: 2581
Joined: Sun Apr 27, 2008 1:36 pm
Location: Tunbridge Wells, Kent

Re: Not coping ***Trig Sui***

Postby Hash » Mon Jul 22, 2013 4:18 pm

Sorry to hear that she has died Ann, I am really sorry to hear that.

What can you do to self soothe at this time.

Hash
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Re: Not coping ***Trig Sui***

Postby asc » Tue Jul 23, 2013 10:10 am

I'm trying to do what I can in the way of self-soothing activities.

I really must get on with my housework - popping over to the 99p show soon for more clothes hangers etc. Before that I must put wet tea towels on some cages etc. I was amused that Fuzzbutt pulled half of the one yesterday into his cage, and curled up against it (he is almost hairless)!

Not feeling brilliant physically - it will be interesting to see how my hospital visits etc. go this week:
Tonight - fast from 9pm
9.05 tomorrow - fasting blood tests - reminds me of the Tony Hancock 'Blood Donor' song - they are doing so many I'll have 'an empty arm!' One will be particularly interesting, as it could explain some of my problems. If it is the case, a small operation could sort it out.
Thursday - rheumatology appointment
Friday - diabetic eye-screening. The drops sting like mad and everything is very out of focus for several hours!

Fortunately, my friend is doing most of the transport.

Mood-wise - better than I was, but not brilliant.
Ann www.annspoetry.weebly.com / www. annssmallpets.weebly.com
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Corinthians 12v9
"You are God's masterpiece." Ephesians 2v10 God doesn't make junk!
asc
 
Posts: 2581
Joined: Sun Apr 27, 2008 1:36 pm
Location: Tunbridge Wells, Kent

Re: Not coping ***Trig Sui***

Postby sally » Tue Jul 23, 2013 1:51 pm

Ann,

That's a lot of hospital appointments in a week? Are you hoping that the one blood test might answer questions and with a small op, resolved? I'm glad you have arranged help for transport.

Sorry to hear you came home on Sunday evening to find one of your rats had just died, unexpectedly. That is really hard.

Thinking of you lots, Sally
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