Feeling Unstable

[Beautifully_Broken]

Hey!

So since I last posted my health has only got worse. My headaches are bad, my ears are beginning to become painful and I have to walk with crutches because of the pain in my legs.

Last week my parents, gran and I were on holiday in London. Though if I'm honest it wasn't very enjoyable, and I'm glad to be home. We arrived late last night and today we were at a retirement thing 2 and a half hours away from Glasgow, so after all the travelling my heads totally messed up! Tomorrow we have a wedding and Monday my parents have another wedding, which leaves me to look after my gran for the night.

I'm struggling. Physically because of my health deteriorating and emotionally for several reasons. This should have been my fortnight off from uni and I'm struggling knowing that I started this year, and haven't been able to finish it. I know it shouldn't affect me, but it does and I'm really struggling with that. My health. I really feel like I am just being left to kind of cope with this on my own. Simple things are a struggle, like showering and walking up the stairs (I can bumshuffle down them). I'm not sleeping because the pain in my head prevents me getting to sleep, then when I am asleep the pain in my legs and right wrist wakes me up.

I due back at the neurologist on Wednesday, and it cannot come quick enough. I'm worried that I get re-admitted though. I mean, I probably need monitored, but I've got to the stage where I am actually scared of how many lumbar punctures they are going to do on me. There's only so many I can take in quick succession, and having had 4 in 4 days last time I was in, I think that's plenty!!

I've been having thoughts of harming which I haven't discussed with anyone. I'm pretty sure if I went to doctor and explained how I was feeling to them they would be understanding because they realise the situation, but I don't want to end up in therapy, because I honestly don't think therapy would help me. I'm emotionally a wreck because I'm physically a wreck and I feel like nothing is being done to make me better.

Anyway, I think I've ranted enough! Keeping you all in prayer, even though I don't really reply much, know that you are all very much in my thoughts and prayers.

Ruth x

[asc]

I'm sorry things are so hard at present. I think it is appalling that the NHS is leaving you to cope with so little help. I know it would be hard to be admitted again and have more lumbar punctures, but on the other hand it might speed up alternative treatment as you are now having trouble with your legs as well.

Thank you so much for your prayers when you are going through so much yourself. Praying for you. xx

[sally]

Ruth,

thank you for braving coming on line and posting an update, cos I know that aggravates the pain more. I have been thinking of you and am really sorry to hear how much you are suffering, with pain in your legs and arms added in to all the headaches, eye and ear troubles.

Sounds like a really busy few days coming back from London, weddings, retirement do's and being responsible for your Gran. Doesn't sound very realistic, needing to do so much.

I'm glad you see the neurologist on Wednesday. I can understand your dislike of admission and also the prospect of more lumbar punctures. I pray you will have a good discussion with him and can come to a wise decision on what could help you the most.

It's concerning that you are having SH thoughts as well. Can I ask why you don't think therapy would be helpful? I'm glad you have managed to tell us so we can be praying for you.

Sally

[Beautifully_Broken]

Thanks for your kind replies!!

Ann, I know! I'm feeling a wee but abandoned by the NHS! We'll see what tomorrow brings! I'm expecting to be admitted, but time will tell!

The past few days have been manic and have left me feeling really poorly. Yesterday went ok. I managed to rest in the afternoon and then had dinner with my gran. After that I met my friend and his dog in the park for a few hours! We sat and chatted and played fetch with his wee dog. It was really helpful just to chat, and talk about serious stuff and nonsense!

I'm just not sure therapy would benefit me because I know why I want to self harm and I can't change it. I don't feel in control of my life at the moment, and that scares me. Yes I can make decisions on certain things, but most of my life is now reliant on my parents or someone looking after me! I can make it to the park as it's only a 2 minute drive down the road, but anything more than that and I need a driver! And with me being so immobile now it's too much effort to do anything!

I'm hoping to go to the park later to meet up with my friend again. He lives alone with his dog, so it's a beneficial outing for the both of us!

Thanks for your prayers, keeping you all in mine!

Ruth x

[Keziah]

Hi - I hope you get the right medical treatment for your physical conditions, which sounds awful. Are you seeing the consultant again - is there any other treatment they can offer other than lumbar punctures?

I hear what you say about therapy and how you are right now. Sometimes we face difficult times in life - such as illness, which hopefully pass, and therapy does not take away the actual issue so therefore can often only act as a sticking plaster solution. Perhaps focusing your energy on dealing with your physical condition and trying to get medical people to help you with recovery for that would be the most helpful thing to improve your physical health?

I say that as I saw my consultant for physical health issue, that is chronic, and she said mental and physical health issues are very much linked and the best thing for me was to get best treatment (ie right drugs etc) for my physical condition as when that is under control I have better coping strategies and manage much better etc.

[sally]

Hello Ruth,

thinking of you especially today as you go to see the consultant and praying for you.

Sally

[Beautifully_Broken]

Hey!

So yesterday was kind of what I expected. I've to be readmitted for a lumbar puncture and MRI. If my pressure is still high then I need to get a bolt in my brain to measure my CSF. I'm just waiting for the call to say go in. I'm nervous. Mainly because I don't know for definite what's happening, or when.

Thank you for your continued support and prayers, I really appreciate it.

Ruth x

[sally]

Hello,

I'm sorry you face another hospital admission with uncertainties of how that might develop. But I can imagine the waiting for the call to go in is really hard so not surprised you are feeling anxious.

We'll be thinking of you so much, and praying that doctors can this time work out what they could do to relieve the pain and help you.
best wishes, Sally

[Beautifully_Broken]

Thank you!

I had a really bad night on Thursday, but had a long chat with my friend which helped. As well as the serious chat, we had lots of laughs, which was great.

I've been feeling grumpy and angry. I'm so nervous about going back into hospital, but I don't even know when I'm going so that's stressful!

With this heat as well I've been getting even less sleep than normal, so that's adding to my grumpiness.

Just thought I'd update you. I will update you more when I know what's happening.

Ruth x

[Hash]

I forgive you for your grumpiness and I hope you get that call your waiting for soon.

Maybe you could meet again with your friend before you go in to hospital.

Hash

[sally]

Ruth,

I'm sure the waiting is hard and the prospect of going back into hospital is very unpleasant. Well done for saying how you feel about it all.

I'm praying for you now,
Sally

[Eppie]

Ruth, well done for saying how you feel. I think it would be unusual if you weren't nervous and stressed about what's going on. If you were talking to a friend in the same situation as you I'm sure you'd be saying it was understandable how they were feeling, and encouraging them to be as kind on themselves as they possibly could be. But it is sometimes so hard not to beat ourselves up.
Praying for grace to get you through today. The heat certainly isn't helping anything is it... I was still awake a 2am this morning!
E x