Disintegrating

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My procedure on Thursday morning went fairly well. I was told that the pain could be worse for 4 weeks then may or may not improve. Yesterday was great but I had a pretty bad night and have just been so exhausted - out on a rat show. various problems and I've found that I've ''said goodbye' to a beauiful rat - apparently well, although getting on - but not one of my two chronically chesty ones. A few other rat problems - following a long delay on the M11 behind an accident. i've decided to skip morning service. My back is lousy after an emergency cage-clean. I know one of my meds is nicknamed Morontin! My spelling is totally moronic

Things on the radio made me think tonight and everything is making me think things I don't want to, and shouldn't. So much to do this week - want to sleep- well, not just that.

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So many reads - no replies. Just goes to show I'm not worth anything. I wish the Lord would just take me, or that I could find the courage to do it myself.

[Beautifully_Broken]

Ann, of course we care and you are worth more than any of us could even begin to comprehend. You are so faithful at replying to others and caring for them, and I know you have an amazing way with words and always know exactly what to say! Sadly, I know I haven't been blessed with words and sometimes I find writing nothing is more appropriate than just writing something so futile, like 'I'm praying for you'. I am praying for you, but I do, consistently with you and many others on the forum. This small net of people are like a family to me. A strange family, that hardly ever meets and is linked through faith in Jesus, love of God and each other and through helplessness, despair and the hope of a better time coming. I'm pretty convinced that if this family was all to live together for a week or even just a few days we'd go crazy. But this, this online family works and it only works because we each bring something different and we need all of us to be that family. This family means so much to me. I need this family and Ann, you are a unique and essential part of this family. We need you. I need you. But most importantly God needs you and He loves you, more than I can describe to you.

I've not been around here much as you know, but I am glad to hear your procedure went ok, despite the end result not being clear. How are you feeling? Are you in a lot of pain? I know you're always in a lot of pain, do you feel it's worse or better than normal?

It's good you had an enjoyable day. Was that at the rat show, or doing something else? I'm sorry, my brains not functioning, so sorry if I'm asking obvious questions! Sorry about all your rat difficulties, although you don't see it, you do amazingly well.

I hope I have managed to reassure you that you are worth something, you are loved and you are not just needed, but wanted. I am praying for you and I will continue too. May you feel the love and peace of God surrounding you and may you hear his small still voice telling you He loves you, cares for you and only wants the best for you. Hand over your fears, worries and thoughts of things you want to do, but shouldn't. God wants to be a part of that and He wants you to cry out to Him. He is holding you, watching over you and His heart breaks with yours.

You are precious. You are loved.

Love Ruth x

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Thank you so much, Ruth. I don't expect you to reply at present as I know you are in so much pain. I'm sorry you are having so much difficulty getting adequate treatment.

Sorry I can't write more at present - just want not to be here.

[Hash]

Ann,

WE want you to be here!

Hash

[Keziah]

Hi - sorry you are so sensitive to people not posting. Does it help realising that other people may not be able to post. As you yourself have posted on this thread, you couldn't post as not feeling great. Everyone is in different places. Someone may have logged on just as they get a phonecall, or as they are out to work. For instance, today is the first day I have had reliable internet access for 3 days as been looking after an elderly relative where I have to rely on BT hotspot (which is not very hot!! or useful!) and therefore couldn't read no mind about post.

Missing the service sounds wise if you are in such pain.
How is the pain now? When will you know if the procedure has been successful? Really hope that the next 4 weeks are not more painful but you recover quickly. Wow, to do a rat show straight after a procedure - can you take things more easily now. You did say you were not increasing numbers of your rats to help you with cage cleaning etc, has that helped at all?

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The back pain isn't too bad.

Cage cleaning isn't too major a problem but - and it sounds awful, there are some rats I just do not wish to keep. If I advertise on the forums I will not be allowed to have others later. One lovely girl may have cancer and will leave me on Friday - as may the bitey rescue for whose operation I paid.

The main problem is that I have to stay alive for them. Sadly, I woke up this morning.

[sally]

Hello Ann,

I am sorry you are so low that you wish your life was over. I can relate to thinking like that myself, but know it's a horrible way to feel. How does your GP respond when you have said that to her?

Sorry you have to say goodbye to one of your ratties on Friday. How many will you still have after she goes to ratty heaven?

Could you look in to some more counseling to try to help with your mood and sense of hopelessness?
I'm praying for you,
Sally

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Thank you for your prayers.

At least, with great difficulty because of pharmacy problems, I am back on the right medication. I see my counsellor a week today - can't afford more than fortnightly. He is excellent. I did find it a help yesterday when my vet prayed with me.

However, I find it very hard when people like my GP and other contacts use Christian history etc. to try to convince me when I am having a crisis of faith - to put it mildly. Has anyone else here really struggled with reconciling a God of love, an all-powerful God and natural disasters, diseases etc. which could in no way be put down to free will? Plus how things would be if I had been born in Russia or a Muslim country?

[sally]

helllo Ann,

It must be a relief to now have the correct medication. I hope the pain continues to be more settled pain wise.
Can you contact the counsellor for a little catch up when you are feeling so desperate if you feel so desperate between now and your appointment next week? I'm glad that appointment is arranged so you can work towards that.

you are in my prayers,
Sally

[Hash]

I am so sorry you feel desperately low!

It is a shame you are likely to loose one or two of your rats I hope you have enough nice rats left to enjoy!

It sounds also like you have some questions about faith and future. I am sorry if some people haven't been so helpful in trying to convince you of things.

Try and look over some of the things you wrote in your brighter moments as they are very special,

Hash

[sally]

Hello Ann,

I've been wondering how you are? How was your w/e?
I'm still praying for you,

Sally

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Thank you for your prayers. After losing four more pets this weekend I'm really desperate.

[sally]

Ann,

I'm terribly sorry you have lost four of your precious ratties over this weekend. I can only imagine how upsetting that must be.
As you are feeling so desperate, would you consider booking an urgent GP appointment. Or could you contact the counselor that you have been seeing to have a bit of support?

Can you remember to only plan small jobs at a time while you are so low, and recognise each thing you do manage, not dismiss them as not enough. What could you do to try to take the pressure off and bring you some way of relaxing, or distracting if suicidal thoughts are becoming more prevalent? Also, try to rest as that will ease the pain. You are allowed to go slowly when you are feeling so awful!

I promise I will keep praying for you, Sally

[Hash]

Dear Ann,

I am sorry you have lost four more rats, it must be so painful for you.

What can you do to make yourself feel a little less desperate. Have you thought of phoning Ruth on the prayer line and have you been accessing the support of the Samaritans.

I am thinking of you

Hash

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Ruth is being marvellous - as are the Samaritans. The county's official 'mental health helpline' is unbelievably understafed.

Very bad weekend and yesterday - lost my old hamster and one 'neuro' rat on Friday, then on Sunday my re=home girl lost her fight with all the operation and complication problems, and fell peacefully asleep. Unfortunately one of the boys in the cage where the hormonal Twix was bullying others also left me. I feel so desperately guilty as I hadn't checked on them as often as I should while I was ill last week. I don't think he'd been coming down to eat. (He was my other 'neuro' boy. I also found that Twix had been gnawing the tails of the other two, who may well need surgery on Friday.

Cue for a big meltdown. I had major problems getting through to our '24-hour mental health helpline.' The NHS is falling apart. I wouldn't take what I had read about 111 as true without trying it. I now feel it is an understatement! Perhaps if some of our intelligent animal friends could speak they could be trained to operate a database more efficiently. As a former nurse and database manager I'm rather fussy. Eventually get through to Mental Health Matters, but in rather a state. Not the best session. I wouldn't give my address, but somehow they still managed to track me down and send our neighbourhood policeman to check how great was my suicide risk. Fortunately (or unfortunately) I'd met him before - accompanied by a rat-phobic policewoman - when I was having problems with a lad who was already becoming an accomplished con artist. I satisfied Lee that I was not an immediate risk and had a plan for preventing my 'doing anything' to act on the suicidal thoughts.

I am now being referred to local mental health services - hopefully CPN and access to real crisis services, but possibly not a psychiatrist as I'd prefer to continue with my GP.

I feel shaky today and very tired. Having recovered from my 'acupuncture' from (the late) Birthday, my finger injury - from my hormonal boy, actually kept me awake. Sadly, I respond very badly (or non-existently) to painkillers. I have counselling this morning - but I'm pretty safe.

[sally]

Hello Ann,

I hope the counseling session is helpful and you are still able to maintain your safety afterwards.

I am really pleased you will finally be referred to the local mental health team. I pray that the referral processes swiftly so you will have more support quickly while you so clearly are in crisis.

I will keep praying for you, even though I am away for a bit and probably wont be online during that time.

best wishes, Sally

[Keziah]

Hi Ann,

glad you managed to phone for help and through police involvement have a referral for assessment with a mental health community team. A psychiatrist will usually be involved if you are in under the CMHT team, however, as they need a consultant in charge of care, so do not refuse that as it may mean they will not see you. Psychiatrists only usually see patients once every 4-6 months and only for a 20 min appointment and they liase with Gp's etc. Might be worth them assessing your medication as well, as that may benefit from being tweaked if you are willing if you are suicidal.

You can always see an out of hours gp if you are suicidal, the 111 service are very good at giving people appointments if you tell them you are needing to see a gp due to mental health suicidal issues. That out of hours dr can then directly refer you to a crisis team if they consider that is necessary, you do not need to go through a CMHT (or whatever it is called in your area) for crisis intervention. So if you are struggling whilst waiting for referral to come through to see an out of hours gp if not in normal gp hours. Your own gp can make a direct referral for immediate crisis support.

Crisis support means being assessed by 2 workers, usually nurses. They then decide if they can see you and offer you daily visits or phonecalls or a mix of the both. If necessary they admit to a psychiatric hospital. They risk assess. They refer to social services if relevant. They liase with people involved in care. Any gp or out of hours gp or a+e can directly refer and someone does not need to be under a CMHT.

Where I live there is what is called a Pathfinders service that sees all people referred to a CMHT for assessment, to ensure people no longer wait months. Is there something like that where you live? I have never used it but it tends to be useful as a direct way in and then they assess which service is appropriate for the person. Here there is CAMHS for adolescents, the Recovery Team (new name for CMHT), an older adults CMHT and a separate eating disorders team. Here people are only taken on by CAMHS if they have a diagnosis by a psychiatrist. Other teams work with people as well - such as IAPT, Rethink etc. It is no longer, have a mental health issue and get a CPN, it is assess, diagnose and refer to the right team for people. Other areas have separate temas for people with Complex Needs or PD's - but not available where I live. Worth researching what is around in your area so you know what might happen. do not be disappointed if you do not get allocated a CPN straight away as that is not how it works in every area. When I had a CPN they just risk assessed, supervised medication and did paperwork - they are all different in all areas. I actually had a social worker, not a nurse. Teams have nurses, social workers and OT's. Y ou may find an Ot helpful for you for instance, to help you with your homeand and sorting things out.

Sorry to hear about the loss of 4 rats. I think you are very brave to have pets that have such short life spans. I could never keep pets that cannot live for very long as I would not be able to manage losing htem after only a few years

[Keziah]

How is it going for you Ann. You say you are having counselling at the moment - is that through Burrswood again or another private source or a charity? Have you been able to be honest with them? I know your sessions at Burrswood were very helpful for you and really helped you at the time, can you hold onto what you learnt there and what God spoke to you during those times?

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Things are going much better. The 'new' old medication is helping - I definitely respond better to the older class of medication - an artificial saliva spray sorts out the dry mouth.

I''m sad this morning - but it is normal sadness rather than depression. My second-oldest rat had to be put to sleep this morning by my lovely vet. I'm also very tired and my pain isn't so good, but I've had two bad nights - the first because I had to be up very early - and also had itching from my pain relief, and yesterday was a busy day on the PR stand of the Estuary Rat Club.

Thinking of you all and praying that you will know God's support today.