Finished. ** Trig SUI ***

For and about self harmers / people with other issues

Finished. ** Trig SUI ***

Postby Beautifully_Broken » Tue May 07, 2013 4:17 pm

I'm not even sure what to write here to be honest. I don't know what I'm going to do. Everything I've worked so hard for has just been taken from me. Sitting here in floods of tears, which isn't helping my headache. I have no purpose any more. I just, I give up, completely give up.
With Jesus I can take it,
With Him I know I can stand,
No matter what may come my way,
My life is in your hands.

It's lonely when you don't even know yourself...
Beautifully_Broken
 
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Re: Finished.

Postby Keziah » Tue May 07, 2013 7:02 pm

Ruth,
you have been so poorly recently, am so sorry you are struggling. But that doesn't mean things are finished. Are you referring to Uni? Because if you have missed placement due to illness, you can still continue with your course ... I know several people who had to do a catch up placement at the end of their course for this reason (in different courses), which although a hassle to sort out with admin people, it was done.

What is happening with your illness now? Sorry can't remember its name.
Keziah
 
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Re: Finished.

Postby Beautifully_Broken » Wed May 08, 2013 1:06 am

Hey

Yeh, I'm referring to uni. I've been put on what is called interrupted study. So basically I can't do anything till April, till I can do my placement, as long as there is space. I am not allowed to restart first year and if I get a job (which in this economic climate will be nearly impossible) my uni funding stops. The whole thing is very complicated and messy, and to be honest, I'm not even sure going to uni is what I want any more. I don't know what I'm going to do between now and April. I'm fed up being ill and I'm fed up of my health screwing up everything that goes well for me.

Not coping at all well. In major agony with my head and eyes and feeling completely hopeless.

Ruth x
With Jesus I can take it,
With Him I know I can stand,
No matter what may come my way,
My life is in your hands.

It's lonely when you don't even know yourself...
Beautifully_Broken
 
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Location: Scotland

Re: Finished.

Postby Keziah » Wed May 08, 2013 12:36 pm

Ruth - can you ask for a meeting with people at Uni. Have you missed any academic work? I know someone who had to do a whole massive placement at the end of her 3 years due to illness, however she continued her academic work as didn't miss any of that? so it is possible. Can you meet with OH or Student Support services, and not just accept what they say. You have done so well, passed all your written work - unfortunately got a physical illness that meant you missed the placement.

Or if you have to drop a year and wait - perhaps you will find God at work in that, as you may have lovely students to be with?
Keziah
 
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Re: Finished.

Postby sally » Wed May 08, 2013 2:26 pm

Hello Ruth,

that is such tough news about Uni. No wonder you feel so low, and you are still in incredible pain all the time too.
I like Kezzies suggestion of talking more with uni to see if it could just count as skipping these couple of months?
but then I also know realistically, you are not yet well enough to return yet.

I'm really sorry and am thinking of you and praying lots. Maybe you could take a few days to just be before investigating any other options to allow you to adjust to this a little.

sally
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Re: Finished.

Postby Eppie » Thu May 09, 2013 7:11 am

I was thinking the same at Kezzie - could you ask for a meeting with people at Uni. Sadly, you can't be the first person to be in this kind of position.
I'm so so so sorry Ruth that it's all so tough at the moment. I think that emotionally things feel far far worse when we are physically unwell too.
E x
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Re: Finished.

Postby Beautifully_Broken » Fri May 10, 2013 9:08 pm

Hey

I've spoken with uni and because it's a nursing course and I am signed off indefinitely my place on my course cannot be held open for me. You have to complete all the necessary practice hours before progressing into 2nd year, which I at the moment can't do and there isn't enough catch up time to make up all my hours. So I have to rejoin first year in April, after everyone has got into classes and made friends.

I've had time to think this over, but I feel consumed by hopelessness and despair. With one thing and another, it has taken me much longer to get to where I am. Up till now I haven't actually achieved anything in my life, other than trying to survive and I'm not even achieving that at the moment.

Mum is trying to be all positive and I can understand why, but honestly, it's just making me angry. Right now I don't see how this is a positive in my life and at my age and stage when everyone in my church is either finished uni and working and living with friends or doing a selection of these things. And they are all younger than me too! My 2 best friends are at uni being successful. All my cousins have been or are at uni and are successful, and then there's me. Just unsuccessful at everything. And I've totally run out of energy of trying to prove to people that I can be successful too. I don't even care any more. I can see myself still living with my parents when I'm 40 at this rate.

Every time something in my life goes well, it falls apart. I'm completely broken. I'm sick of the patronising comments and the 'there there's' I keep getting. No one understands how much I've had to work to get to where I am, what I've had to deal with and the emotional turmoil I've been left with for it all to be taken away again.

I'm sick of being ill. I'm sick of having to put up with cr@p. I'm sick of life and the unrelenting blows I keep getting. I've had enough.
With Jesus I can take it,
With Him I know I can stand,
No matter what may come my way,
My life is in your hands.

It's lonely when you don't even know yourself...
Beautifully_Broken
 
Posts: 1066
Joined: Sat Oct 11, 2008 3:24 pm
Location: Scotland

Re: Finished.

Postby sally » Sat May 11, 2013 5:59 pm

How is the pain and headaches?
I'm praying for you.

You don't have to make decisions about training yet and your future just yet. YOu are on sick leave an still unwell. Maybe ideas and opportunities might be easier to consider when you are feeling more well and not so badly depressed.

Sally
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Re: Finished.

Postby Keziah » Sat May 11, 2013 6:44 pm

Hi - you say the issues is because you are signed off indefinitely. Can understand that the Uni cannot do anything if you are signed off without a date for return. So why not focus on seeing medical people to identify when is a realistic date of return. Can you switch to part-time, as you would have already done lots of year 1 part-time, until you are well enough to go full-time?

The fact you are older isn't always an issue, on many courses very few of them are full of 18yr olds thesedays. Also it is common to have friends of different ages - I have friends older and younger for instance. If you want to do nursing, then this is the route to it - whether you delay it or not. You said you struggle with people on your year, so changing year and joining halfway through doesn't mean people will not accept you. Definitely people move schools mid year and make friends, even if it takes a bit of effort. On placement anyway you will always be with different age staff and students.

Agree no need to make any definite decisions yet whilst you are still so ill and recently out of hospital. It is hard when comparing other people - I struggled with infertility for many years, and very easy to see so many people who were "successful" - but when I eventually had a child, although at older age, it didn't mean I could not enjoy it or be good at being a parent. Just a different journey. All those years of comparing myself against others, didn't help me in retrospect. Hard to see the positives when don't have what one wnats, or the simple way. But gosh does it make it worth it when it happens (and yes waiting 10 years or so makes it most worthwhile, not less so.)
Keziah
 
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Re: Finished.

Postby Beautifully_Broken » Tue May 14, 2013 11:39 pm

Sorry for delay in reply. I'm in a bad way and I have my appt with the neuro consultant at 10am tomorrow morning.

In all honesty, I'm not expecting anything. I'm expected to be told nothing helpful, so at least I'll not be disappointed eh? It's been arranged that mum and dad will come with me and dad will come in to the appt. however, tonight mum pops up that she's coming in too. This has just sent me into a spin cause in all honesty I don't want either there, in with me and it's taken me a while to agree to have on of them in with me. I can't have both.

To be honest I don't want to go anymore. I know what he's going to say and I know it's going to be a waste of time. Mum and dad both have the day off work and are super excited that they don't have to go to work which is really not helping me much either.

I'm in a mess.
With Jesus I can take it,
With Him I know I can stand,
No matter what may come my way,
My life is in your hands.

It's lonely when you don't even know yourself...
Beautifully_Broken
 
Posts: 1066
Joined: Sat Oct 11, 2008 3:24 pm
Location: Scotland

Re: Finished.

Postby sally » Wed May 15, 2013 1:50 pm

Hello

How did the appointment go? I am so sorry that your parents both wanting to attend feels so unhelpful to you. What was the outcome of that?

Did the doctor have any suggestions on how to deal with the raised cranial pressures and headaches?
And how are you feeling today?

I am praying for you,
Sally
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Re: Finished.

Postby Beautifully_Broken » Thu May 16, 2013 4:40 pm

The appointment went not to bad thanks.

I felt very angry when I came out because I wasn't sure that he was really hearing what I had to say or understanding my concerns from my point of view. However mum and dad did try to convince me that things were better than I was seeing them. I have had my medication increased, I've been referred to neurosurgery and I've to go back in 2 weeks as my optic dics are swelling and causing my peripheral vision to deteriorate which isn't good.

I'm currently feeling very poorly and struggling to find things to do as easy things like reading, watching DVD's/TV and listening to music are too painful on my eyes and headache. I've taken my ceramic paints out and have painted a plate, but not feeling very creative or in the mood to do much. Staying in bed and sleeping is really what I want to do, but I can't sleep cause I'm in too much pain and mum doesn't want me to be lying around in bed all the time.

As this condition isn't overly common and there is no known cause, other than the medications I am on, there is no suggestions for lessening the pain, so it's a case of carrying on and finding ways of coping with the immense pain.


Thank you for your prayers,

Ruth x
With Jesus I can take it,
With Him I know I can stand,
No matter what may come my way,
My life is in your hands.

It's lonely when you don't even know yourself...
Beautifully_Broken
 
Posts: 1066
Joined: Sat Oct 11, 2008 3:24 pm
Location: Scotland

Re: Finished.

Postby sally » Thu May 16, 2013 7:02 pm

You are suffering so much with the pain. I am praying for you and that the increase in meds brings you some relief.

It sounds as if you found the appointment frustrating and I can only imagine what it is like being in so much discomfort all the time and doctors unsure of a solution. I hope the referral to neurosurgery comes through quickly and am glad they will monitor your eye sight.

I don't know what else to suggest to help you pass the time. Well done giving ceramic painting a go today.

Thinking of you lots, Sally
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Re: Finished.

Postby Hash » Thu May 16, 2013 9:04 pm

What About getting a big piece of paper and just expressing what you feel whether it be pain or feeling angry or sad. I would have thought painting a plate was requiring detail you need to just be able to express yourself especially as your not self harming.

Other than that can you sit and stroke your furry fluffy toys as that is good therapy,

Also you could set the mood with some candles and oils in a dark room and take a verse from the bible and meditate on it..

Why dont you buy yourself some flowers with a really good scent for you to appreciate in your room.

Have a hot bath with your lavender oil and plenty of bubbles.

Hash
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Re: Finished.

Postby Eppie » Fri May 17, 2013 8:03 am

Sorry it is all so difficult. Do you feel strong enough to try a simple jigsaw?
E x
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Re: Finished.

Postby sally » Fri May 17, 2013 12:32 pm

How are you feeling today? What might you be able to do to this afternoon to help you get through?

sally
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Re: Finished.

Postby Beautifully_Broken » Sun May 19, 2013 10:17 pm

Hey

I find looking at a screen really painful, so I try not to look too much at my computer/iPad/phone.

Yesterday the three of us went out for afternoon tea. I got them the present for their silver wedding anniversary last July, but cause of various things, Saturday was the only time we could get. So that was nice, but very tiring. Today I made it to church for the morning service. We returned to our sanctuary after a long time of refurbishment. It's been a very long and tiring weekend and I'm looking forward to getting a long lie tomorrow!

Tonight I am feeling very low and tearful. Everyone's lives seem to be moving on and I feel like I'm stuck in limbo till April. I feel like I'm a complete waste of a person. I feel like I'd be better off dead. I have no worth and feeling completely alone and left behind.

Feeling pretty awful and not really sure how to get through this.

Thank you for all the replies, they are much appreciated.

Ruth x
With Jesus I can take it,
With Him I know I can stand,
No matter what may come my way,
My life is in your hands.

It's lonely when you don't even know yourself...
Beautifully_Broken
 
Posts: 1066
Joined: Sat Oct 11, 2008 3:24 pm
Location: Scotland

Re: Finished.

Postby sally » Mon May 20, 2013 9:49 am

Hello Ruth,

I hope you are enjoying a nice lie-in this morning after such a busy w/e.

I was wondering if you are still on antidepressants? Your mood sounds really low at the moment, adding to your low self esteem and sense of hopelessness. Could you try to see this interruption as a sickness break before you are able to get back to the things you want to be doing? It must be horrible feeling so low and with constant pain and difficulty using the usual ways you can distract yourself and pass time.

I pray for your healing and recovery and that the Lord will bring His comfort and peace as you work through this time. You are still so precious to Him, whether you are studying or resting. He loves you just the same.

best wishes, Sally
sally
 
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Re: Finished. ** Trig SUI ***

Postby Keziah » Tue May 21, 2013 6:42 pm

It sounds a horrible illness. Hope other appointments go well for you.

Re: your course, an absolute nightmare you having to take time out. But that happens and hopefully when you fully fit you can continue. In a 40 year career that you can have ahead of you then one year out will pale into insignificance, eventually. I had to take a year out for medical reasons and I can honestly say now looking back it has not made any difference. Also the job you are training for is great at part-time hours if you need them (many jobs are not so good at that!) and has great sickness pay too, so worth keeping there and not ruling out. Now is the time to recover though.

Glad you able to have that nice family time out and manage it.
Keziah
 
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Re: Finished. ** Trig SUI ***

Postby asc » Tue May 21, 2013 8:39 pm

I do hope the next appointments go well. What options are they giving you. Seeing that you are having a neurosurgical consultation, is a shunt an option? That would appear to get over the two big problems.

Praying for you.
Ann xx
Ann www.annspoetry.weebly.com / www. annssmallpets.weebly.com
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Corinthians 12v9
"You are God's masterpiece." Ephesians 2v10 God doesn't make junk!
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