Hash is off on one!!!

For and about self harmers / people with other issues

Hash is off on one!!!

Postby Hash » Fri Oct 05, 2012 5:18 pm

Okay so I didn't go to group therapy this morning and I have been paying for it all day with phone calls from the place telling me I had to call by 5pm and they would call again on Monday. I just could not face people this morning. I dreamt about self harming last night and it was one serious dream it made me want to do it this morning. Peter has been miserable all week because of problems at work and one of my close family friends has died this week from cancer of the prostate and all in all its just pushed my buttons and when it gets like that I don't want to see people I want to hide away and retreat. I'm going downhill, slowly but surely and any excuse to find a reason to SH then I'm there.

I met this afternoon with this family friend that I meet with every week and she just moaned, it was all I needed but I'm not finding people easy. Peter has phoned and he is really low this evening because of all that is going on at work and now I have to somehow cope.

Hash
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Re: Hash is off on one!!!

Postby Keziah » Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:35 pm

Hi - sorry you don't have the support you need from Peter right now. Could you tell him how you feel, or what you need or want if he is able to give it. Or ask him what he needs from you?

I understand why you didn't go to group therapy, but do you know why you didn't answer the phone messages? Was it because it was too much, and if so could you get Peter to phone them to tell them that you are finding people too much right now so can't talk to them so they don't call again. Or is it compulsory that you attend, in case they give your place away to someone else who is waiting for a place? If you choose not to go again, could you arrange to email or text the organiser to let them know in advance that you are not attending? That saves them hassle of contacting you and the hassle for you of getting phone calls you don't want.

Sorry you are struggling with temptation of self harm. Could you use any of your strategies from the hospital that you learnt to help you manage those? (Eg build in a reward for yourself, however small or whatever else you have learnt to help.)

Hope your dogs are a good distraction and comfort for you right now Hash.
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Re: Hash is off on one!!!

Postby Hash » Sun Oct 07, 2012 9:12 pm

I'm planning destruction day for Tuesday as Monday a reward finishes and I get a top I wanted in the evening. Iv'e cancelled my mum on Tuesday so I am on my own. I feel I need to do this I feel I need to self harm its time.

I did answer the lady's calls once on Friday and left a message for them saying I was not up for speaking to people and seeing people.

Peter's taking his eyes off the ball and I think he will be mad at himself big time if I self harm so in a way I feel I owe it to him to bring his eyes back to the problem that is arising.

I can't email the place to tell them I am not coming because they don't give out emails. I have to go to the group every week and if I don't go to group two weeks in a row I get chucked off the treatment program.

Hash
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Re: Hash is off on one!!!

Postby Eppie » Mon Oct 08, 2012 7:26 am

Hey Hash

I'm sorry things are feeling so intense and difficult.
Does your Mum know why you have cancelled for Tuesday? would you manage to tell her or Peter how you are feeling before you act on those feelings?
Is there any other reward you could build in for after the top on Monday, to give you something else to work towards?

E x
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Re: Hash is off on one!!!

Postby Keziah » Mon Oct 08, 2012 12:37 pm

Hi Hash - it sounds a bit like you are wanting people to notice you are struggling from your post. You say Peter has taken his eye off the ball. Could you try talking to him rather than self harming to get his eye back on the ball? And setting another reward as that seems to work for you, so you have something to aim for.

I am sorry you will lose your place in group therapy if you don't attend. I lost a place in group therapy many years ago for not attending and the mental health services refused to give me any treatment (however bad I was) for 6 months afterwards - a+e was all that was open to me, as that was in the contract I signed. I learned the hard way that there are few spaces for treatment and if I didn't go then someone else who was wanting help could gladly take the space. Even if they don't replace you in group it frees up time for the individual therapy. Strict rules, but it means only those wanting help got the places. I hated how I was treated but I had to learn the hard way that attendance is important, however awful I felt at the time.
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Re: Hash is off on one!!!

Postby sally » Tue Oct 09, 2012 1:20 pm

Hash,

I always feel very worried when you tell us that you have days when you have given yourself permission to hurt yourself. I don't know what I can say that could possibly make any difference and I know what you do has become so damaging and dangerous.

You have mentioned a bit that you need to do it and it seems to have some way of communicating to some specific people about just how hard everything is feeling. I'm not trying to over simplify how awful you are feeling and how strong the urges become. But could you just pause for a moment to think if there is any way to let those people know that without hurting yourself? Perhaps telling them about how strong the urges are that you are dealing with could be a start?

How are you managing so far today? Has your Mum tried to encourage you to still see her? You are so precious, I pray you do find ways to get through without acting on these urges. Please seek the help you need,

Sally
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Re: Hash is off on one!!!

Postby Hash » Tue Oct 09, 2012 10:48 pm

Im finding it hard to read what you write. I find ti hard to focus Im a bit all over the place.

What I can say is I survived a day when I had given myself permission to harm bad, I stayed in bed longer than the time that I had set that I had to harm by in order to give six hours for getting to hospital getting seen and coming back in time for house group and then I prolonged the time in bed so that by such time if I harmed I could only harm minorly and there was no chance I could stop myself harming badly so I had to do something different. then I talked to people on the phone samaritans and Peter and Ruth until I could get myself some courage to get dressed and get down to costa for a hot choccy and reading a book.

I managed to go to house group and it was really really beneficial although I broke down completely when we split into girls and guys groups to pray, I just completely melted down and they had to pray for me there and then. Ive got a problem though, there is someone else in the group who is a therapist and I think she thinks I am going to go over her boundaries, but I am quite used to being friends with my close friend who is a psychologist. so I am going to email her and set her straight with Peter checking the email.

I really do feel low and I really am worried I can't get through this without harming,

Hash
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Re: Hash is off on one!!!

Postby sally » Wed Oct 10, 2012 12:00 pm

Hash,

Wow! You did so well yesterday without harming! Sorry my last scrawl was a bit complicated. Perhaps it's something you'll talk about in time with your therapist.

I know how hard things are when you are feeling low and urges are very present. Do have any plans to help you get you through today?

Thinking of you lots, Sally
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Re: Hash is off on one!!!

Postby Keziah » Wed Oct 10, 2012 6:35 pm

hi - you did great, glad you manaaged to go to costa with a book too! Nice treat that.

If there is a therapist in the group there is no need for her to treat you any differently to anyone else, unless you happen to be good friends, as when I am with other people I don't put my "professional" head on - that is saved for work only, so I am sure she is the same.
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Re: Hash is off on one!!!

Postby Hash » Tue Oct 16, 2012 3:42 pm

I can't believe I am still self harm free, I had set aside monday as my self harming day again and I was really focused on it. THen when monday came I really couldn't be bothered to harm. It's really cos I am so so scared of harming badly that I can't look after myself and need an ambulance. My harming had got so bad I am terrified I take it to those lengths again.

Peter is going away today for nine days and I am really scared I won't be able to cope without him. They are doing a loft conversion next door and I feel like my house is being invaded. Also I am having to go to a funeral on THursday of someone very dear to my family and my heart. I just can't believe they are dead.

Also my dad is having surgery tomorrow afternoon and I am going over to see him and support him on Thursday. and then at the weekend as well.

It's a really stressful time but I am so afraid of cutting I won't do it.

Hash
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Re: Hash is off on one!!!

Postby Keziah » Tue Oct 16, 2012 6:29 pm

Hi sorry to hear about loft conversion - that is hard, lots of noise. So perhaps going to support your Dad with surgery will help, being out of the house and not alone while Peter is away.
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Re: Hash is off on one!!!

Postby Hash » Tue Oct 16, 2012 11:10 pm

I feel just awful tonight, so vulnerable and alone. Went to house group by taxi which was an experience then felt ever so bad there talking about myself and sharing my story alone . I was in tears when Peter left I feel very bad without him he's my rock.
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Re: Hash is off on one!!!

Postby sally » Wed Oct 17, 2012 2:09 pm

Hash,

Yesterday sounds like it was really tough and I get how hard the prospect of Peters absence must seem. I struggle when my Mums away even though I don't live with her and just stay with her alternate w/e"s. And I know it must be harder when you are a couple and used to him being with you. Did you get much sleep after getting so upset saying goodbye then talking about hard stuff at house group.

Your experience on Monday re self-harm is new for you. I know you didn't hurt yourself because you fear the damage you would do if you started but I'm still very impressed that you could get through the day after giving yourself permission to self harm that day and still want to say well done.

What do you have set up to do today? And how are you feeling now? I'm sorry about the death of your family friend and having that funeral to go to. Will you visit your Dad after the funeral to help you through some of the sadness.

I'm thinking of you lots and praying now, Sally
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Re: Hash is off on one!!!

Postby sally » Thu Oct 18, 2012 12:17 pm

Hash,

just so you know, I'm thinking of you lots as you go to this funeral and then go to spend time at your Dads bedside. I pray that others give you some support as well as how you give and care for others,

Sally
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Re: Hash is off on one!!!

Postby Hash » Sun Oct 21, 2012 12:45 pm

Hey peeps,

I've had a lovely weekend, really lovely. My dad didn't have surgery on the Wednesday because his blood pressure was high and his oxygen in the blood was low . This meant my mum and I could go out partying, well shopping really, and buy Christmas presents. So we went out on Saturday and had a really good time in Cambridge. I have spent the weekend with them in Essex, my in laws have looked after the dogs who have been angels.

I had a weird experience in therapy on Friday, the girls were asking questions about my self harm and asking why I do it and what has caused me to do it that has been so painful in my life so I shared about my parents and they all freaked out they couldn't handle talking so openly about deep stuff so they freaked. One person even started putting on her coat and getting ready to leave. All cos I raised the difficult issue of parents.

Peter is really missing me big time, as am I him. I love him so much, he feels so far away.

I feel pretty safe with my parents but I am going home tonight or tomorrow and I am not sure how I will manage what I find difficult is having my cutting equipment in the bedroom with me with no one to stop me cutting.

Hash
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Re: Hash is off on one!!!

Postby Hash » Mon Oct 22, 2012 8:30 pm

Everyone is out tonight, I got into my pyjamas early just to keep myself safe!

I have talked to my father in law who is staying the nights with my mother in law and I have asked for them to look after the blades at night because I feel a little vulnerable at night when I have the blades in my ensuite and I know Peter is not there and I end up in a pickle.

Hash
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Re: Hash is off on one!!!

Postby Eppie » Tue Oct 23, 2012 7:19 am

well done Hash. really good you could ask your in-laws to look after the blades. Hope you slept ok.
E x
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Re: Hash is off on one!!!

Postby asc » Tue Oct 23, 2012 10:19 am

I agree - well done, Hash!
Ann www.annspoetry.weebly.com / www. annssmallpets.weebly.com
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Corinthians 12v9
"You are God's masterpiece." Ephesians 2v10 God doesn't make junk!
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Re: Hash is off on one!!!

Postby sally » Tue Oct 23, 2012 1:32 pm

Hi Hash,

I have been thinking of you knowing you were coming back home and wondering how things would be for you. You have done amazingly well asking for help with the blades. That takes a lot of courage and I'm really impressed.

Do you think at some point you would feel ready to talk with your therapist about no longer keeping blades in your house in preparation. I do honestly know what a big deal that is. I stopped hurting myself still having blades available, but with a lot of support, I gave them to my therapist. Then I got scared, bought more, and then worked through getting rid of those ones too. I have, when urges kick in, bought more but I've decided I no longer want to have them so quickly available. It gives me more time. But Hash, please just ignore this if that isn't something you even want to consider or puts you in a panic.

You are very precious and I pray that you can find good things to do each day to bring you through these next days until Peter is home.

Sallyx
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Re: Hash is off on one!!!

Postby Hash » Tue Oct 23, 2012 5:38 pm

Dear peeps,

I didn't sleep last night cos I was unsettled but I felt safe with my blades not around.

I don't feel able to get rid of them yet! I did try that about a year ago or over a year ago when I was doing well. I gave them to my doctor and she disposed of them. Right now I still need the safety net.

Sorry I am in a bit of a rush now , will talk more soon.

Hash
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