Hash is off on one!!!

For and about self harmers / people with other issues

Re: Hash is off on one!!!

Postby Hash » Tue Oct 23, 2012 10:58 pm

I just wish I was comfortable with sleep time it's like even if hubbie was next to me I would be unable to settle because once he's asleep he is emotionally absent and I feel alone. I can't bear to feel alone at night and unsettled. Lst night I only got through it at 3:30am by taking more pills. Tonight I am terrified of just lieing there. I suppose at least I don't have my blades. I feel isolated and even music doesn't pacify me. Nothing does.

Give me benzo's any day to sleep peacefully.

Hash
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Re: Hash is off on one!!!

Postby sally » Wed Oct 24, 2012 12:52 pm

Sorry you couldn't drop off to sleep last night til so late - or early! It's hard lying awake and feeling alone. Glad drugs kicked in finally!

Have you ever tried listening to stories on CD or downloaded as you lie there? I use them a lot, especially I find concentrating to read doesn't come easily, and often it stops my brain worrying and thinking as I listen to the story and then I usually drop off. Just find where I got to the next morning! Good children's stories are good when I'm not feeling great. eg Jacqueline Wilson

What have you got planned for during today? Do you have some activity - oh yes, walking your dogs, so you use some physical energy cos that can help with sleep. Are you a camomile tea person cos that's supposed to be calming. Or a warm bath before you snuggle up with some nice scents. I know you know all those ideas but sometimes just a reminder might help you to try one out in case it helps.

I'll be praying for you this evening that things feel easier.

Sally
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Re: Hash is off on one!!!

Postby Hash » Wed Oct 24, 2012 6:45 pm

Sally,

You are so faithful at supporting so many of us on here, thank you for your suggestions. I don't like chamomile tea, I like hot milky drinks, basically I like all the things that are bad for you. I can't use the bath at the moment as my in laws are here using that bathroom but tomorrow I will be able to use it and hubbie has got me some nice bath stuff. I am not sure whether I can get downloads of children's stories on iTunes do you know?

I managed to get to sleep at two something last night so I am going in the right direction. I listened to the loft sessions Bethel church live until I was tiered.

I had therapy today and my therapist is officially weird, she is not going through my case history in a methodical measured way so we cover everything and I am just worried she might miss something. Especially my abuse situations because I won't bring them up unless she asks.

I walked the dogs twice today and did cooking and shopping for food so I have been busy, Hubbie is in the air now, it takes 13 hours from Singapore. He is going to work as soon as he has had a shower at home.

Hash
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Re: Hash is off on one!!!

Postby sally » Wed Oct 24, 2012 7:59 pm

Hey Hash,

Well done keeping yourself so occupied today? Do you think you could say what you said here about fear of missing things about your past and that you won't be able to talk about that part unless she asks? Or perhaps you could just print your post and show her that?

i just googled Jacqueline Wilson downloads and there are several of her books available. So I'm sure that will be the same for many other authors. Happy choosing!

Yipee! Your husband is on his way home! He's going to be shattered going straight in to work so I know you won't have much time with him then. Just knowing he is back in this country might help.

Sally
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Re: Hash is off on one!!!

Postby Hash » Wed Oct 24, 2012 9:20 pm

I could print off this post and give it to her or I could try and tell her some things happened in my past that I won't vocally find it easy to talk about so she may need to push a little.

I will look up that author on I tunes and see if I can buy something.

Yes Peter won't have much chance to see me tomorrow and he will be exhausted. I will have to look after him.

Hash
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Re: Hash is off on one!!!

Postby Hash » Wed Oct 24, 2012 10:20 pm

I'm so excited, I've just bought AA Milne's Winnie the Pooh audio book. I love Winnie pooh
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Re: Hash is off on one!!!

Postby sally » Thu Oct 25, 2012 12:11 pm

Brill! so do I!
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Re: Hash is off on one!!!

Postby Hash » Thu Oct 25, 2012 2:11 pm

Well Winnie the Pooh quietened my mind a lot last night. I was able to turn it off and go to sleep.

It was quite funny as it had the voices of Stephen Fry and Dame Judy Dench on it and piglet sounded hilarious but it was only £2.95 so well worth it.

Peter got home at 7am this morning and we said hello and chatted for twenty minutes before he had to go again. It feels a really strange day, I can't get used to it, with my Father in law out but coming for coffee in an hour and Peter coming home. I had my injection this morning which was good. Still looking like a lump of lard though as a result of the injection kicking in and causing weight gain.

I need to ask for my blades back,I am not sure where they are.

Hash
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Re: Hash is off on one!!!

Postby sally » Fri Oct 26, 2012 2:24 pm

Hi Hash,

how are you feeling today. Congratulations on getting through the full time while Peter was away without hurting yourself. You made some wise choices lots of times.

I'm delighted Winnie helped you sleep and was fun to listen to. Good choice! Is Peter going to have to listed to it tonight?!

Do you think you can just ask for your blades back now that Peter is back. Hope that doesn't get stressy.

What plans for your w/e?
Sally
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Re: Hash is off on one!!!

Postby Hash » Fri Oct 26, 2012 5:19 pm

Dear Peeps,

My day has been okayish but I am struggling with urges to harm, Have just been busy on the website to keep myself occupied till Peter comes home. We talked this morning about our history of overdosing in group this morning and I found it really difficult because it brings back distressing memories as I was very very stuck on overdosing seriously multiple times a week years ago and it just bought back what I got up to and how distressing it was for me and my family. So I came out of the group wanting to CUT as I need to punish myself so I am going to have to deal with those feelings and thoughts this weekend.

Yes I have the blades back now and no Peter won't need to listen to Winnie the Pooh I have head phones that I use at night otherwise he would get so frustrated trying to sleep. I don't know what I would do without my ipnone with all my music and the new audio books on.

Plans for the weekend: Walk the dogs with house group people on Saturday morning. Come back and put the dogs to bed and go shopping to change a few things at John Lewis. Then Sunday meet with friends for Brekies at eleven then go to church in the evening.

I really do feel these urges quite strong and I am busy imagining what I want to do. Not productive at all.

Hash
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Re: Hash is off on one!!!

Postby sally » Sat Oct 27, 2012 8:56 am

Hey Hash,

how did you get through re urges until Peter came home. Your group does sound very distressing and I can understand why that has left you so urgish to SH in a punishing way. Good idea being online to help pass time and distract yourself.
Could you talk with Peter about the group when he got in?

It's bright here for your morning walk today and happy shopping later!
Sally
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Re: Hash is off on one!!!

Postby Hash » Sat Oct 27, 2012 8:13 pm

I can't really talk about the group with Peter as it will break confidentiality, I can vaguely tell him.

I got through till he came home but the urges are still strong.

Walk went well today although Missy got burrs all over her and started eating them off, then she was eating all the leaves and grass on the walk to get the burrs out of her throat, she was sick three times on the way home and is still poorly. We spent ages getting the burrs off her paws and her coat. Jazzie had some on her as well.

Shopping was good we bought more CHristmas presents but I got very very disheartened when we were shopping for clothes for me cos nothing felt right. I came home really annoyed.

Monday is a problem for me as I have kind of made it a self harm day again.

Hash
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Re: Hash is off on one!!!

Postby Eppie » Sun Oct 28, 2012 10:16 am

Hey Hash
Well done for the things you've been doing over the weekend. and I love Winnie the Pooh too! Last night I listened to the same CD 4 times because I could'nt sleep, but it was a bit relaxing!
How did you get through last Monday, and is there anything we can do to help wtih this week?
E x
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Re: Hash is off on one!!!

Postby Hash » Mon Oct 29, 2012 3:59 pm

Winnie the Pooh got me to sleep for another night. It was lovely! only problem I haven't worked out is how to stop the cord of the earphones twisting round my body.

Okay so I got through to Monday and I decided once again, I have a choice I can spend the day in A and E or I can try and do things differently so Ive decided to do things differently.

I have been lazy today though, Missy is sick so us girls ( missy, jazzie and I ) have been curled up on the sofa all day, in fact I am still in my PJ's but I think as a one off its okay.

Hash
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Re: Hash is off on one!!!

Postby sally » Mon Oct 29, 2012 8:31 pm

Hello Hash,

I was in a mad dash when I was online earlier so didn't post, but I was thinking of you lots because you said you had given yourself permission to hurt yourself today. How fantastic that you managed to decide not to - again!

curling up on the sofa sounds just fine! Hope Missy is on the mend now?! Hope you can sort out earphone wires for Winnie. If I have to use earphones I just pull them out when I'm first aware of them once I'm asleep so haven't got too tangled.

bye for now, sally
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Re: Hash is off on one!!!

Postby asc » Mon Oct 29, 2012 8:42 pm

Well done, Hash.

I hope Missy is soon better.
Ann www.annspoetry.weebly.com / www. annssmallpets.weebly.com
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Corinthians 12v9
"You are God's masterpiece." Ephesians 2v10 God doesn't make junk!
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Re: Hash is off on one!!!

Postby Beautifully_Broken » Mon Oct 29, 2012 11:51 pm

As a one of day it sounds like bliss!! Well done for getting through, you are doing amazingly well!

I'm not really sure what else to say other than I'm proud of you!

Love you,

Ruth x
With Jesus I can take it,
With Him I know I can stand,
No matter what may come my way,
My life is in your hands.

It's lonely when you don't even know yourself...
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Re: Hash is off on one!!!

Postby Hash » Wed Oct 31, 2012 1:11 pm

THanks Darling,

I managed to be more active on Tuesday but last night I had horrid dreams about self harming badly they were horrible, I woke up in the morning disturbed.
but I didn't wake up thinking thats what I want to do. It kind of put me off.

Today I've got therapy with my T and just not looking forward to it at all but hey ho never mind.

Hash
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Re: Hash is off on one!!!

Postby sally » Wed Oct 31, 2012 2:06 pm

Hi Hash,

will you be able to talk with your T about that dream. I don't mean this unkindly but I'm glad it's effect was to put you off not leave you wanting to act on it. Sorry it was so horrible though.

Hope your day isn't as hard as it's seeming this morning,
sally
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Re: Hash is off on one!!!

Postby Hash » Wed Oct 31, 2012 6:17 pm

I didn't talk to my T about the dream, I don't really remember much of it other than it was unpleasant to see the SH. My T thinks I am doing really we'll and is really pleased with my progress.

She says she thinks I am mentalising well and working things through in my head well and actually coming out with positive solutions to problems.

It's how long I can stay like this! Can I keep self harm free till I go to NZ that would be about nine months.

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