Doubts

For and about self harmers / people with other issues

Doubts

Postby Philippa » Wed Sep 05, 2012 7:36 pm

Hi
I hope it's ok to post - I've only posted once or twice before as I feel a bit shy sharing my feelings even if it is only online!

I have been struggling a lot lately with self harming and particularly thoughts about harming. Even if I manage not to harm I am finding the thoughts that I am having to be overwhelming and very upsetting. I have also been struggling to eat properly lately, which is a problem as I am prone to fainting and need to make sure I eat fairly often throughout the day. It's like I have this huge anxious knot in my stomach the whole time, even though I can't put my finger on what is causing me to feel like this. I moved to a new area a few months ago and am trying hard to make a life here, to settle in to a church and to make friends. In reality I am having huge doubts in my faith and really questioning where I am heading and what I am doing in life. I think I could maybe just do with a bit of encouragement.

Philippa
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Re: Doubts

Postby Frodosgirl » Wed Sep 05, 2012 8:30 pm

Hi Philippa,

Of course it is alright to post, that is why we are all here! Well done for posting and sharing your feelings, that a huge step towards getting help. Are you able to talk about what is causing all your doubts? Well done for expressing it, that is not an easy thing to do. You say you have recently relocated, that in itself is a very stressful thing to do. Is there anyone you have managed to get close to?

I'm praying for you x
One more day.....
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Re: Doubts

Postby Eppie » Thu Sep 06, 2012 8:07 am

Hi Philippa,
It's definitely ok to post. I'm glad you did.
Moving to a new area is a really hard thing to do, so don't be hard on yourself that it's tough at the moment. Times of upheaval often mean that we struggle with the areas of life which we find difficult - like self harm and eating. Have you got any past techniques which have helped you?
Do you feel as if you're deliberately not wanting to eat, or more that you're so tense and knotted up that you just don't feel like it. If the latter, are there any favourite or easy foods that you could get in that might tempt you to eat a bit more?

And I think that it's ok to have questions and doubts sometimes as well - recently I've begun to see that perhaps it's part of exploring and growing in our faith. Does the church you are trying to settle in to have any housegroups or midweek groups, or an Alpha or Christianity Explored or anything like that you could go to?

Love Eppie x
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Re: Doubts

Postby Philippa » Thu Sep 06, 2012 5:43 pm

Thank you both for your kind replies.

I have been going to a church for about 4 months now and I have joined one of the young adults home groups. It's a really friendly bunch of people and so I know I'm being silly but I find it really hard to walk in on my own, and I don't really feel confident enough yet to share anything with anyone there. I did manage to go this week but I think I'm having a 'wobble' about actually going to church/homegroup in part because I have been away or not managed to go for quite a few weekends in a row, which makes it hard to go back. When I went to homegroup this week I was asked to read part of the passage, and then given a prayer point to pray about when we were praying as a group at the end. Whilst it's nice to be included this made me feel quite uncomfortable, and I didn't know how to say no. I felt like an awful hypocrite in that situation. I don't remember the last time I opened my Bible/prayed something other than 'Please help me'.

I think with the eating it's mostly a case of just not feeling hungry and so struggling to force something down. I've been trying to just eat what I fancy, regardless of what that is (doesn't necessarily bode well for a healthy diet!) but I'm working on the theory it's better to eat something than nothing at all.

I've managed to talk a bit to an friend from where I used to live but it's hard not having anyone to support me nearby.

Philippa
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Re: Doubts

Postby Eppie » Fri Sep 07, 2012 6:44 am

Hi Philippa,
I'm glad you've found a place with nice people, but I know that doesn't make it easy. I've been at my church for about 8 years now I think, but I still find it hard walking in alone - wondering who will be there, where to sit etc! Homegroup is easier for me because most of us arrive on our own.
Would you feel able to say to the homegroup leader that you felt uncomfortable reading and praying at the moment?
Please help me prayers are fine - I do a lot of them!! Someone said to me this summer that God just LOVED to hear from us. They also said that imagine if you had a child who'd been away for a while you would be so excited to see them when they came back... and that God was excited to see us when we came back too. I struggle to get a bit of a handle on all this, so I don't mean to say it as if that resolves all your problems - just something to add into the thinking mix!

E x
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Re: Doubts

Postby Keziah » Sun Sep 09, 2012 2:03 pm

Hi Philippa

Moving to a new place is not easy, especially when you don't know anyone. Trying to fit in with a group of people, however lovely can take time - but it does sound like they are an enthusiastic, inclusive group of people. I know what you mean about struggling to go - when I moved to University I never settled in a church and what with travelling around and not always being there I found myself quite isolated. I wish I had just stayed in the first nice church I found and tried to go as I am sure I would have found support there, given time.

Eating little and often sounds like a good idea, if you can manage it. Also if you can drink fluids to keep your blood pressure stable that may help.
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Re: Doubts

Postby Hash » Mon Sep 10, 2012 1:23 pm

Phillipa,

I am so glad you have posted for some encouragement and support from everyone.

You've been through big change adjustments with moving house and church and all that change has big impacts.

Just to reassure you, you are not the only one to go through questioning your faith and feeling like your hypocritical etc I suppose that feeling is there when we are struggling with self harming and still going to church.

With regards to the eating does any professional know your struggling with this? Might be good for your GP to know about your struggles.

You say you feel anxious a lot deep down, have you thought about asking God to fill you and deal with those anxious thoughts.

What help are you getting with your struggles?

Hash
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Re: Doubts

Postby Philippa » Sun Sep 16, 2012 6:42 pm

Thanks guys for taking the time to reply. It's nice to feel heard.
I've been poorly this week - I seem to get ill all the time at the moment, nothing serious but just continually under the weather with colds and bugs.
I'm not getting any help, as I don't have the confidence/I'm not brave enough to ask. I didn't make it to church today, I got all ready and then I couldn't face it. I felt rubbish about going and then I felt rubbish for not going. I'm not even sure what the point is to this post, I guess it's good to put these feelings down somewhere.

Philippa
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Re: Doubts

Postby Keziah » Sun Sep 16, 2012 7:48 pm

Hi Philippa - sorry you keep getting ill, that is horrid and wouldn't help you feel like having the energy to get out and about, or to church.

I hope you feel better asap, from bugs.
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Re: Doubts

Postby Hash » Wed Sep 19, 2012 8:30 pm

Phillipa,

What would help give you the confidence to ask for help?

In fact what help would you like if you could ask for it?

I hope you feel better from all this illness soon.

Hash
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Re: Doubts

Postby Eppie » Wed Sep 26, 2012 7:33 am

Are you any better this week Philippa? I hope the colds and bugs have gone. It's not a great time of year for illness is it.... I am sneezing away!
Ex
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Re: Doubts

Postby Philippa » Wed Sep 26, 2012 7:16 pm

Thanks for replying, it is really nice to know I can write on here for some support.

I'm physically still feeling a bit under the weather but I'm sure it will pass. I've been having a bit of and up and down week. I made it to church on Sunday but left feeling quite upset. My homegroup was having a social get together last night but I flaked out because I couldn't face it. It makes me feel like I'm really weird; most people really look forward to social occasions but at the moment they fill me with dread and I really have to force myself. It's not helpful in trying to integrate myself in a new place and meeting new people/making new friends.

I don't know what would give me confidence to ask for help or indeed what help I would ask for Hash, but I do feel like I could do with some extra support. I struggle a lot at night time as it's so much harder to distract myself and I find myself having thoughts that are very distressing.

I have exams next week and I'm feeling quite worked up about it. One is a resit of a practical exam that I failed a couple of weeks ago and I'm scared I will fail it again. I know deep down that 'failing' doesn't equal 'failure' but it feels a bit like that to me at the moment.

Philippa
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Re: Doubts

Postby Hash » Wed Sep 26, 2012 10:27 pm

Phillipa,

I feel the same as you about social settings and am doing the same, avoiding church get togethers where I might not cope.

I am wondering what is stopping you telling your gp about your struggles, if you have a good one they can be extremely supportive about emotional issues. You could tell them about the distressing thoughts you get and about the self harming.

I wish you luck in both your exams and hope they all go really well.

Hash
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Re: Doubts

Postby Philippa » Sun Sep 30, 2012 11:20 pm

Thanks for your reply Hash. I'm sorry to hear that you avoid social situations too, but it is nice to know I'm not alone.

I have been thinking about going to the GP but I'm not sure. I know it could be helpful but it would also be hard and I feel quite unsupported in making that step. I know it's silly but I've also been a bit put off going as the last time I went to the GP he answered what appeared to be his personal mobile phone during my appointment and then covered the mouthpiece saying 'is that all ok then?' and sort of ushering me out! Of course I know that not all doctors are like that and I could ask to see a different one but it's knocked my confidence in going back. I'm generally quite a shy person and I think I would be mortified if something like that happened when I was trying to explain how I am feeling.

Philippa
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Re: Doubts

Postby asc » Mon Oct 01, 2012 11:05 am

I'm sorry you had a bad experience with your GP. It might be worth seeing a different one in the practice. I'm so lucky with mine.

I've always had social anxiety (possibly mild Asperger's), but cope reasonably now if we have things in common - Christian faith, mental health issue, photography, rats! We had a great Harvest Supper on Saturday.

I do hope your exams go well.
Ann www.annspoetry.weebly.com / www. annssmallpets.weebly.com
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Corinthians 12v9
"You are God's masterpiece." Ephesians 2v10 God doesn't make junk!
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Re: Doubts

Postby Hash » Mon Oct 01, 2012 3:37 pm

Philippa,

It sounds as if you haven't quite found a GP who really supports you and is helpful to you!

Is there any chance you could sus out other GP's when you have more mild ailments so that you can find a GP that is fully supportive of you. It sounds really really unprofessional that they answered the phone in your appointment. THey shouldn't have had their phone on ringing at all.

Going to see the GP about something like self harm and emotional distress is hard at the best of times. Why don't you take someone you trust with you so that if you struggle they can help you.

If you go they may offer extra support to you like the counselling service or the local Community Mental Health Team.

Hash
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Re: Doubts

Postby Philippa » Mon Oct 08, 2012 12:15 pm

I would take someone with me but the only person who knows lives miles away so I would have to go alone. I'm not sure I can do it. I had a bad night last night, following an upsetting weekend visiting my family. I was feeling very tearful when I got in, and couldn't stop crying for most of the night. I got two hours sleep before my alarm went off for work this morning, so I ended up calling in sick. I feel guilty - I'm not sick, but I didn't feel safe to get in the car/be at work after so little sleep. I feel like such a freak. I don't even know why I'm so upset.

Philippa
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Re: Doubts

Postby asc » Mon Oct 08, 2012 5:54 pm

You were too sick to work, although the sickness was emotional in origin - it is just as valid. I'm sorry you had such a difficult weekend. Take care.
Ann www.annspoetry.weebly.com / www. annssmallpets.weebly.com
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Corinthians 12v9
"You are God's masterpiece." Ephesians 2v10 God doesn't make junk!
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Re: Doubts

Postby Eppie » Tue Oct 09, 2012 7:21 am

Also lack of sleep does make you unable to function - and it's sensible to be safe.
So don't feel guilty.
I'm really sorry you had such a hard weekend though. Feel free to say more if it would help, and not to if it wouldn't help!
How are you today? Do you think you will manage work?
E x
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Re: Doubts

Postby Philippa » Tue Oct 09, 2012 11:53 am

Thanks for your replies. I had another bad night and was really tearful this morning. I couldn't decide whether it would be better to go (and have something to take my mind off things) or to call in sick again and have another day to rest. The lady I lodge with said she didn't think I could work in the state I was in so I have called in and said that I couldn't go again. My landlady has some people over at the flat at the moment but she said we will have a chat when they have gone. I find myself wondering whether I can tell her. The thing is that she's around my mum's age - I don't want her to feel any sense of responsibility or for her to become more 'mumsy' in our relationship, I like having her as a friend.

I don't really know what I can say about the weekend, it's hard for me to even put my finger on what's made me so upset. My family situation is all a bit complicated and I guess sometimes it gets me down.
Philippa
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