struggling

For and about self harmers / people with other issues

struggling

Postby sally » Tue Aug 21, 2012 1:32 pm

I haven't hurt myself for 2 1/2 years but I still battle with bulimia nervosa. I've recently gained a bit more weight which I am not liking and in the last couple of weeks I've started having thoughts of self-harming again. I know I've been pleased to say "I don't do that anymore" but when the thoughts are strong I lose sight of that longer goal and just want the immediate relief.

I had an appointment yesterday with the consultant at the EDU where I am waiting to start treatment and think I got a bit scared by her suggestions to increase portions, especially as I know I've gained weight. But in the afternoon DSH urges were much stronger and I went out and bought the tool I used to use to hurt myself.

I usually see a psychologist 2-3 weekly but he left just before the CMHTs started to reshuffle all their services. They were too short staffed to give me someone to see in the interim and the reshuffle process has only just begun. When I rang them before I was told I could see someone from the duty team almost immediately. But when I phoned yesterday, I was told they would send out an appointment in the next 2 weeks.

My kind support worker phoned this morning and I reluctantly agreed to see her. She was helpful and I gave her the tool I'd bought. She said about seeing my GP to get referred to the crisis team, but often my blips don't last long and I haven't tended to find the structure of the crisis team work for me.

So I thought I would come on here and ask for people to pray if they have a minute that urges would fade and the anxiety would ease.
thank you, Sally
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Re: struggling

Postby snowdrop » Tue Aug 21, 2012 6:36 pm

I'm fairly new here, well haven't posted much as I don't believe I'm much good with words. However, I just wanted to let you know I will be thinking of you and I will definitely pray for you. I'm struggling hugely at the moment but I thank God that I hold some faith that through Him there can be freedom for all of us. God Bless. I'm here to listen if you want to post / message me. Snowdrop

PS. This is not meant patronisingly, but well done for taking the courage to fight the urge to harm and hand your tool in. That is hugely courageous and I imagine must have been very hard to do, but it is definitely the right thing to have done. Well done. ;)
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Re: struggling

Postby Keziah » Tue Aug 21, 2012 8:04 pm

Hi Sally,
Sorry you are struggling - wanting you to know am and will be praying for you.

Could you talk to your support worker about how seeing someone from the duty team is more helpful than the crisis team? Do you have a care co-ordinator (if she is not that) that you could see? Totally agree with you that the structure of the crisis team is not the best, which is why I always refuse it when offered too. My team now has a new system (yet to be started) where you have your one named care co-ordinator and then a 2nd named one who can be contacted if first one not available/off ill/on holiday... could somehting like that help you.

Great you are going to be starting at the EDU unit soon. Can hear that is scary for you.

How great that you can say you not sh with tools for so long. Praying for strength for you in this time. xxx

Agree with snowdrop - great you handed tool over, tht is a good step forward.
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Re: struggling

Postby Eppie » Tue Aug 21, 2012 8:38 pm

Hi Sally

Just seen your post, Sally, and wanted to add that I am now praying too. Thanks for coming online to share with us and ask us to pray - that's a real encouragement. And I really hope that although you're struggling you can see it as an encouragement too, that by asking us to pray you've reacted differently from how you once would have done faced with similar emotions and temptations.

I hear how hard it is too with the weight gain and EDU coming up. I gained weight recently (due to medication for something unrelated), and although I would have said I'd recovered from an eating disorder, it actually produced the most alarming feelings within me, which was so unsettling. So while I don't understand exactly how you are feeling, I understand that it can be so hard to fight the feelings that come with it, and how they can feel so all consuming and dominant at times, even when others are encouraging us it's ok.

Any chance you could tell your GP that the CMHTs would be more helpful than the crisis team to see if he can encourage them to see you almost immediately instead of having to wait?

Praying for you to be able to see someone who will help, that the urges will fade, and that your anxiety will ease too.
E x
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Re: struggling

Postby sally » Wed Aug 22, 2012 1:32 pm

Thank you for your prayers and gentle words.

I'm gripped by panicky anxiety today. Hard to concentrate, do things or be still! My contact with CMHT was for their emergency service where they said they'd send out the appointment in the next 10 days!!
Some thoughts still around about DSH but not going down the route of buying tools so hope they just stay as thoughts. I've been using some DBT skills which help for the time I'm thinking of them.

Thank you again for praying,
Sally
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Re: struggling

Postby Frodosgirl » Wed Aug 22, 2012 6:35 pm

Hi Sally,
I am certainly praying for you & I too have not SH in a long time, the problem as you rightfully identified is that the urges get so strong that you forget the rest. Could you write down somewhere how long it has been or what you feel like after SH, when you are out of the release stage, maybe that would help you to think before you act on an urge?
Thinking of you x
One more day.....
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Re: struggling

Postby Keziah » Wed Aug 22, 2012 7:57 pm

Hi hope anxiety eases for you.

If you under the CMHT then surely they shoudl use the duty worker for you? I guess if you undery psychologist and not the CMHt then can understand it may be different, but not helpful. Hope you don't need either and can use the dbt skills you have learnt.
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Re: struggling

Postby Eppie » Thu Aug 23, 2012 7:22 am

I'm sorry yesterday was such an anxious panicky one. I know days like that are really horrible. How are you today?
E x
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Re: struggling

Postby sally » Thu Aug 23, 2012 12:47 pm

Thank you peoples.
I feel this is dragging on but I still feel anxious. Woke obsessing about DSH but when I thought more about where on my body I would do it I remembered I am away with my Mum and niece just before school returns and I don't want my niece seeing fresh injuries. She accepts my scars simply that they happened when I was poorly tho she's 12 and I am ready to tell her more when she does ask. It was helpful to remember that week away as a motive not to hurt myself.

I did make an appointment with my GP but know they can't do much! He's never alarmist! When I said about buying more blades he listed of other things in the home that I could always use anyway. He was helpful, gathering a summary of some of the factors that may have contributed to this current blip and it felt helpful to have them acknowledged.

I was seeing a church friend this morning. My inclination is to shut the curtains and go back to bed but I went to see her and am due to see someone else this afternoon who I've cancelled a few times and so am determined not to today. More sociable than most of my days recently. I may be tired later but its a better way to pass my day and talking with others distracts me from thoughts and obsessions.

Thank you so much for your support, prayer and encouragement,

Sally
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Re: struggling

Postby Keziah » Thu Aug 23, 2012 6:46 pm

Hi - glad gp able to listen, validate why you are struggling and offer the support that a gp can do. Great you have that incentive of time away with mum and neice to help you distract from dsh. Hope that helps, though doesn't mean it isn't hard for you. x
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Re: struggling

Postby Hash » Thu Aug 23, 2012 9:29 pm

Sally,
Just want you to know I will pray, you've been so incredibly supportive of others so thank you and when you come to mind throughout the day I will bring you to god.

Hash
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Re: struggling

Postby Eppie » Fri Aug 24, 2012 12:57 pm

Hey Sally
Well done on finding that incentive... I know it doesn't make it easier, and it's still a very real temptation, but I do hope it helps a bit in the battle to keep going.
I'm glad the GP could acknowledge what's contributing to the blip - does that make you feel any kinder to yourself as well about why you are feeling like this? I hope so.
How is today going? are you able to get out at all?
E x
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Re: struggling

Postby sally » Fri Aug 24, 2012 3:01 pm

No urges today. I know I am very fortunate that they have eased.
I've been to my gym and seen a friend who is a longterm inpatient in a psych hospital. We could chat together and give support.

Thank you to all of you for your prayers and care,
Sally
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Re: struggling

Postby Hash » Fri Aug 24, 2012 5:22 pm

We will keep praying, well done for all you achieved today

Hash
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Re: struggling

Postby Eppie » Fri Aug 24, 2012 5:42 pm

So glad today wasn't dominated by urges and that you could do things.
Like Hash says, will keep praying
E x
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Re: struggling

Postby asc » Fri Aug 24, 2012 6:28 pm

[quote="Eppie"]So glad today wasn't dominated by urges and that you could do things.
Like Hash says, will keep praying
E x[/quote]

You have made great progress, and I'm so glad you haven't had the urges today.
Ann www.annspoetry.weebly.com / www. annssmallpets.weebly.com
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Corinthians 12v9
"You are God's masterpiece." Ephesians 2v10 God doesn't make junk!
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Re: struggling

Postby sally » Sat Aug 25, 2012 4:39 pm

Thank you

S
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Re: struggling

Postby Hash » Tue Aug 28, 2012 7:43 pm

Sally,

How are things going? Thinking of you!

Hash
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Re: struggling

Postby sally » Wed Aug 29, 2012 1:54 pm

That's kind of you Hash.

Basically I've been feeling much better with no urges, but really anxious today. I was racing around yesterday, a bit unrealistic about what I could manage and I think I'm feeling the after effects! Also, I go away for a week on Friday and have a really stressy morning tomorrow which I'm dreading.

I was due to see my Housing Support Worker this afternoon who was so helpful last week but I've cancelled her cos I just want to go to bed and hide for the afternoon.

I haven't tried to make any changes foodwise yet so hope EDU consultant will be patient when I go back to see her in a month. I want to talk about my reaction this time and the fears it brought up.

Sure I'll feel better tomorrow. Thanks. Sally
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Re: struggling

Postby Hash » Sun Sep 02, 2012 6:21 pm

Sounds like its all quite challenging at the moment and it also sounds like your pushing yourself quite hard.

Try and be gentle on yourself as much as you can.

The ED side of things sounds really scary, what would help you to make things feel a little safer. remember BABY STEPS little by little nothing too much just gently gently.

It is really good that the urges eased a little. I completely understand the wanting to hide away for the afternoon.

Hash
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