Thought I was getting somewhere

For and about self harmers / people with other issues

Thought I was getting somewhere

Postby asc » Sat May 26, 2012 9:16 pm

Things have been pretty good. I know catching a virus last weekend didn't help, but I've been going downhill. Today I'm really tired and really angry with somw=eone wg=ho has sent me a document I can't open - and NEED to. All I want to do is harm and sleep.
Ann www.annspoetry.weebly.com / www. annssmallpets.weebly.com
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Corinthians 12v9
"You are God's masterpiece." Ephesians 2v10 God doesn't make junk!
asc
 
Posts: 2581
Joined: Sun Apr 27, 2008 1:36 pm
Location: Tunbridge Wells, Kent

Re: Thought I was getting somewhere

Postby asc » Sun May 27, 2012 9:52 pm

No comments. I really feel I am invisible or on the wrong planet. I certainly do not want to be here.

It is difficult to know what is depression and what is fear of depression.

I've been reading a good book "Life After Darkness" by a Christian doctor, Cathy Wield, who suffered from treatment-resistant depression and self-harm, who was restored to 'normal' living by modern neurosurgery - an anterior cingulotomy.
Ann www.annspoetry.weebly.com / www. annssmallpets.weebly.com
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Corinthians 12v9
"You are God's masterpiece." Ephesians 2v10 God doesn't make junk!
asc
 
Posts: 2581
Joined: Sun Apr 27, 2008 1:36 pm
Location: Tunbridge Wells, Kent

Re: Thought I was getting somewhere

Postby snowdrop » Sun May 27, 2012 9:56 pm

I rarely post as feel my input is worthless, but I read your posts and just strongly felt I wanted to say, you are not alone. I greatly affiliate with what you've written. However, try and remember, God is always with you, even when you can't feel it, He is by your side and loves you. Thinking of you. Feel free to message me if you want. x
snowdrop
 
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Re: Thought I was getting somewhere

Postby asc » Sun May 27, 2012 10:19 pm

Thank you.
Ann www.annspoetry.weebly.com / www. annssmallpets.weebly.com
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Corinthians 12v9
"You are God's masterpiece." Ephesians 2v10 God doesn't make junk!
asc
 
Posts: 2581
Joined: Sun Apr 27, 2008 1:36 pm
Location: Tunbridge Wells, Kent

Re: Thought I was getting somewhere

Postby Keziah » Mon May 28, 2012 5:14 pm

Hi ann,

sorry, with a new baby time at computer is rather limited right now so I am tending to just check and read and pray - if baby screams posting doesn't happen! But that doesn't mean you are not valued by others.

I hope you have managed to get some rest and sleep, so that you feel more energised and hopefully that helps your coping strategies.
Keziah
 
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Joined: Wed Jun 29, 2005 9:42 am

Re: Thought I was getting somewhere

Postby asc » Tue May 29, 2012 3:40 am

Thank you,Keziah. I wasn;t referring to this forum, where I think we all really care, but mainly to the rat forums, and to a certain person who has been a good friend in the rat world, who is now ignoring me.

I really started to slip at the beginning of last week. Last night I found one of my rats dead in extremely nasty circumstances, which has made things far worse and I feel really shaky - and feel like a bad 'rat mother' as, with a show on Saturday and a busy day Sunday I didn't realise that only four,almost identical ones had come to the door, not five. I think the hot weather is disturbing them all - there is a lot of squabbling in all cages.
Ann www.annspoetry.weebly.com / www. annssmallpets.weebly.com
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Corinthians 12v9
"You are God's masterpiece." Ephesians 2v10 God doesn't make junk!
asc
 
Posts: 2581
Joined: Sun Apr 27, 2008 1:36 pm
Location: Tunbridge Wells, Kent

Re: Thought I was getting somewhere

Postby asc » Tue May 29, 2012 8:14 am

The urges are so strong - they first begain when I picked up a new medication for pain (which I've hardly needed) but temptations to OD keep occurring, plus a great desire tio harm in my usual way.

My prayer partner comes tound at 9.45 am.
Ann www.annspoetry.weebly.com / www. annssmallpets.weebly.com
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Corinthians 12v9
"You are God's masterpiece." Ephesians 2v10 God doesn't make junk!
asc
 
Posts: 2581
Joined: Sun Apr 27, 2008 1:36 pm
Location: Tunbridge Wells, Kent

Re: Thought I was getting somewhere

Postby Keziah » Tue May 29, 2012 12:12 pm

It is very hot, especially for animals right now. Am sure you are a good mother to rats - they sound difficult pets to keep. Hope show went well, or will go well if not already happened.

Hope you can find some nice things to do today to distract from those negative thoughts.
Keziah
 
Posts: 2886
Joined: Wed Jun 29, 2005 9:42 am

Re: Thought I was getting somewhere

Postby sally » Tue May 29, 2012 1:05 pm

Ann,

I'm sorry things are feeling increasingly desperate, and very sorry about losing one of your precious rats in such nasty circumstances.

You said that having the stronger medication was triggering more thoughts about the potential of an overdose. I think you need to take that as an alarm and try to think of something you could do to help yourself feel safer. I completely understand how difficult it can feel to decide to do something about that danger, but i promise it can feel a relief to get rid of that possibility.

I don't know what you might consider doable - might you ask your prayer partner to look after some of this medication, especially as you are not needing a large supply of it; go back to your lovely GP and talk with her; or just give some back at the chemist? You may have some other ideas, or it may feel too challenging to do, but I'm worried for you as it is triggering more thoughts of suicide.

I'm praying for you right now Ann,

from Sally
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