Drowning

For and about self harmers / people with other issues

Drowning

Postby Beautifully_Broken » Sat May 05, 2012 1:43 pm

I feel like I'm drowning in life. Every time I get something done, I get something else to do. I've got so much to get done and so little time to do it that I'm up working all through the night, just to get things done, which is making me extremely tired and grumpy.

I'm trying hard not to harm cause I know I'm due to go to an occupational health appointment for uni, but I know that after it, I'm going to explode. Everyone keeps telling me uni is going to be great, but actually being told that uni is going to be great, is freaking me out a little. I do want to be a nurse, and I suppose I do want to go to uni, but I'm scared I'll fail at the first hurdle.

Everyone also keeps mentioning that college will be over soon and I can relax over the holidays. I don't want to relax over the holidays, I still want to be at college. I love college and the thought of not being there really scares me. I honestly, don't want to leave. I'm not going to cope with not being at college and the thought of what I'm going to do when not coping is really scaring me!

Ruth x
With Jesus I can take it,
With Him I know I can stand,
No matter what may come my way,
My life is in your hands.

It's lonely when you don't even know yourself...
Beautifully_Broken
 
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Location: Scotland

Re: Drowning

Postby sally » Sat May 05, 2012 4:38 pm

Hi BB,

the work load must so much with the different assignments and exams you are getting. Can you talk with the people you talk with for support at the college about how to manage it all cos I'm sure you shouldn't need to be working through the night.

I'm not surprised that you might be getting tired and grumpy! You are doing really well avoiding DSH with the knowledge that Occ Health will need to see you.
And I get you when you say that you dread college ending. I often struggle when I loose the structure and routine I have in the term time during breaks unless I can go away and do something different. Will you be helping on any youth camp with your church again this summer?

I'm praying for you now,
Sally
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Re: Drowning

Postby Beautifully_Broken » Sat May 05, 2012 7:26 pm

Hey

Everytime I talk to them it doesn't come out the way I mean it to, so it's pointless.

I just don't know how I'm going to cope without harming.

Going crazy!

Ruth x
With Jesus I can take it,
With Him I know I can stand,
No matter what may come my way,
My life is in your hands.

It's lonely when you don't even know yourself...
Beautifully_Broken
 
Posts: 1066
Joined: Sat Oct 11, 2008 3:24 pm
Location: Scotland

Re: Drowning

Postby Beautifully_Broken » Thu May 10, 2012 10:56 am

Finding things really difficult just now. I can't take the amount of pressure that is being placed on me. The girls at college are being nasty to me, claiming that I'm cheating on all my exams because I've had better marks than them, but really if they spent as much time studying as I did, their marks would be better. I just can't take it any more.

I'm just really sad, all the time. My hours at work are being cut, and I'm loosing college in 3 weeks, so all stability is being taken from under me and once the schools shut, which is only a few weeks I'll have no structure and I can't find another job. I just don't think I can do this!

Ruth
With Jesus I can take it,
With Him I know I can stand,
No matter what may come my way,
My life is in your hands.

It's lonely when you don't even know yourself...
Beautifully_Broken
 
Posts: 1066
Joined: Sat Oct 11, 2008 3:24 pm
Location: Scotland

Re: Drowning

Postby Hash » Thu May 10, 2012 7:23 pm

Dear Ruthee,

Your not going to be left in this big wide ocean with nothing. It's amazing how resourceful you can be when you need to be and when the time comes you will manage.

Just focus on putting one foot in front of each other step by step by step.

Your not alone in all this theres someone up there looking out for you and he is the great provider talk to him about what you need.

Hannah
Hash
 
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Re: Drowning

Postby Keziah » Thu May 10, 2012 7:32 pm

Hi - as horrible as the girls are in college, it is not likely you will have much to do with them when you have finished your course and their jealousy I hope will not spoil the end of the course for you. Exams and deadlines are always a time of immense pressure for everyone, so it is very normal to feel this is a very hard time right now, put the exam pressure at least will end soon - although I know ending things in itself is not easy. You went to college to continue your education and help move into a job you would want to do long term, so if you remember how anxious you were before you went to college and think how much it has helped you and people there. there is no reason why you can't find that wherever you find yourself in the autumn.
Keziah
 
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Re: Drowning

Postby asc » Fri May 11, 2012 10:46 am

Praying for you, Ruthie. xx
Ann www.annspoetry.weebly.com / www. annssmallpets.weebly.com
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Corinthians 12v9
"You are God's masterpiece." Ephesians 2v10 God doesn't make junk!
asc
 
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Re: Drowning

Postby Beautifully_Broken » Sat May 12, 2012 10:39 am

Thanks Hash, Keziah and Ann.

I'm loosing motivation to study or do anything to be honest. I'm so tired of trying to live up to everyone's expectations. I can't even describe how I feel.
With Jesus I can take it,
With Him I know I can stand,
No matter what may come my way,
My life is in your hands.

It's lonely when you don't even know yourself...
Beautifully_Broken
 
Posts: 1066
Joined: Sat Oct 11, 2008 3:24 pm
Location: Scotland

Re: Drowning

Postby Eppie » Sat May 12, 2012 4:02 pm

Very wise point from Kezzie... exams and study are a really intense time of pressure, so dont' be extra hard on yourself.
It's ok not to be able to describe how you're feeling... could you taken a couple of hours 'you time' tomorrow and just chill out with TV or nice reading (not college stuff!) or music?
E x
Eppie
 
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Re: Drowning

Postby Beautifully_Broken » Sun May 13, 2012 11:15 pm

I spent some of my afternoon icing cupcakes which was fun. Then spent my evening studying. Im now just getting ready to get some sleep before tomorrow. Panicking about this week. Wanting my exams to be over, but not, because no exams means no more college...

Urgh, going to sleep. Need to shut down. Will let you know how tomorrow goes. x
With Jesus I can take it,
With Him I know I can stand,
No matter what may come my way,
My life is in your hands.

It's lonely when you don't even know yourself...
Beautifully_Broken
 
Posts: 1066
Joined: Sat Oct 11, 2008 3:24 pm
Location: Scotland

Re: Drowning

Postby Eppie » Mon May 14, 2012 7:26 am

Cupcake icing sounds great :) Hope today goes smoothly for you. Let us know
E x
Eppie
 
Posts: 2440
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Re: Drowning

Postby littleone » Mon May 14, 2012 11:39 pm

Hiya,

have been reading this thread too and been thinking about you as you face these changes whilst coping with so much which has already happened. You have such motivation and drive when it comes to college and nursing, I can tell its something which you're really passionate about and over the time I've been visiting this site it seems to be something which has been constant and one thing which although you may not realise it has always pulled you through. to have the motivation and determination is such an amazing strength and something which i believe will pull you through these difficult times. Like has already been said for you at the moment there is lots of pressures on you to achieve etc so go kindly to yourself because the intensity will pass soon and one day soon you can look back and be proud of the achievements you've made. I seem to remember you doubting you would even get this place at college and now you're coming to the end! Endings are difficult, its ok to allow yourself time to grieve almost at the ending and loss. Have you got something lined up next to keep some routine to your life? or perhaps you could create a routine? no matter how simple even if its that at 10am everyday you take a half hour walk or eat at certain times etc? sometimes i find that helpful.
hope you're feeling a little more positive today.
xx
littleone
 
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Location: Buckinghamshire

Re: Drowning

Postby Beautifully_Broken » Fri May 18, 2012 5:29 pm

Thanks littleone.

This week has gone much better than I had anticipated. Passed everything so far, and only got next week to get through before crashing and burning in a heap.

I know that I should be really pleased that I have passed everything so far, and I am, but I'm not. Passing everything signifies the end and no need to be in class. I don't want to leave. This is so messed up. It's stupid.

Not really sure what to say....
With Jesus I can take it,
With Him I know I can stand,
No matter what may come my way,
My life is in your hands.

It's lonely when you don't even know yourself...
Beautifully_Broken
 
Posts: 1066
Joined: Sat Oct 11, 2008 3:24 pm
Location: Scotland

Re: Drowning

Postby Keziah » Sat May 19, 2012 9:00 pm

hi - know passing has other meanings, but well done for passing! :) I hope you can see it as the college supporting you to do what you wanted to do at college. So it has been good at college for that reason as well as others. If you can do college, you can do whatever you choose to do next, however scary leaving college may be.

Hope next week goes ok for you.
Keziah
 
Posts: 2886
Joined: Wed Jun 29, 2005 9:42 am


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