Prepare for Meltdown

For and about self harmers / people with other issues

Prepare for Meltdown

Postby Hash » Wed Apr 04, 2012 8:42 pm

I am on the edge, on the brink, I've stopped communicating with Peter and pretty much this is the last of Hannah composed and collected in control and okay, roll on destruction and the end of Hannah.

Peter's is going away for two days and a night next week and I have noone I can call on to support me I have no idea how I can cope with two crazy dogs and me ratlling round in our house. I know what I have planned, a major self harming session so much so that someone has invited me round in the evening and I cant answer their text cos I dont want to say no but I dont want to say yes.

I will end up at hospital and the dogs will have noone to feed them if I dont get back on time.

Hash
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Re: Prepare for Meltdown

Postby Beautifully_Broken » Thu Apr 05, 2012 6:49 am

Hey!

As you know I'm not in a great place myself, but maybe you could use your dogs as a reason not to harm so severely. Your friend, if you say no is likely to wonder why and come round, so I'd suggest saying yes.

Try not to destroy yourself, you are doing so well!

Love you,

Ruth x
With Jesus I can take it,
With Him I know I can stand,
No matter what may come my way,
My life is in your hands.

It's lonely when you don't even know yourself...
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Re: Prepare for Meltdown

Postby sally » Thu Apr 05, 2012 12:54 pm

Hash,

Wow! Things are feeling desperate for you hon! why has it become so hard to communicate with Peter?
It sounds scary knowing how dangerous things might become. I'd imagine the friend who has invited you round is aware that being on your own could be difficult. If you accepted the invitation, how would you feel then.

How do you want us to pray? That you manage to keep some safety limit and remember the responsibility of your dogs? Can you think of a few small things you could do to add some structure to the time?

Please try to be careful.
Sally
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Re: Prepare for Meltdown

Postby Keziah » Thu Apr 05, 2012 5:14 pm

Hi - could you use the person that has invited you round as support, rather than feeling isolated? Then arrange things to do - like walk the dogs, or meet people (can be scary to ask I know) to help you get through the time Peter is away? Could you plan treats for yourself for getting through each day - like a favourite film to watch that night, or a little shopping treat etc?
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Re: Prepare for Meltdown

Postby Hash » Thu Apr 05, 2012 8:47 pm

Everyone has such great ideas.

Problem is when I am in my destructive mode which has now begun I kind of do things the opposite to keeping safe. I do things to harm myself.

I get to the point I cant communicate, I bottle things up and then they get worse and worse.

I have harmed today, its all sorted but I am worried I can fee this just leads me to stronger worse things

Hash
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Re: Prepare for Meltdown

Postby sally » Fri Apr 06, 2012 6:10 pm

Hash,

well done for sorting things for today. I do understand passing the point when you want to do anything opposite to the destructive urges but I am praying for you lots,

Sally
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Re: Prepare for Meltdown

Postby asc » Fri Apr 06, 2012 6:21 pm

I'm praying for you, Hash. Let your dogs be God's 'Angels with Whiskers' to you. They need you. Are you still on your medication? Can you use your mindfulness tracks? Can you use things - like scents etc. that you enjoy normally to use as a comfort kit? Can you get a friend to call you while Peter is away, to check on you and your dogs in that time.?

Please stay safe. We love you. Your family and friends love you. Your dogs love you. Mulberry House Pastoral Team love you. And above all, God loves you. In the words of L'Oreal, "You're worth it!"
Ann www.annspoetry.weebly.com / www. annssmallpets.weebly.com
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Corinthians 12v9
"You are God's masterpiece." Ephesians 2v10 God doesn't make junk!
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Re: Prepare for Meltdown

Postby Eppie » Sat Apr 07, 2012 8:19 pm

Hi Hash
I've only just seen this but it sounds as if things are really bad for you. Even though you find it so hard to communicate, you've done really well to come on here and communicate with us. Could you keep doing that when you are feeling really destructive?
E x
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Re: Prepare for Meltdown

Postby Hash » Mon Apr 09, 2012 10:12 pm

Hubbie leaves at 4.45am in the morning, I'm just not sure whether I can manage to restrict
My harm at all I am kind of weighing up my pros And
Cons and it's hard I am just not sure i can manage it I mean I deserve the ultimate in harm I deserve the end but that will ruin lives and mines already messed up others don't deserve the same. Hubbie is really worried I'm going into my usual self harm cycle i can't see me not harming regularly again I can't see any end to it.

It's really hard to handle peters stress with work.

Hash
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Re: Prepare for Meltdown

Postby sally » Tue Apr 10, 2012 8:20 am

(((((( Hash ))))))

thinking of you lots.
It may seem like nothing can change for you, that you will always use self-harm and be on the edge of not knowing if you can cope with being alive, but I know things can definitely change. Because of Father Gods love for us, that's why we can have hope. Because of what He can do.
And you, Hash, are very very precious to Him (and to others in your life)

I'm praying for you today,
Sally
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Re: Prepare for Meltdown

Postby Eppie » Tue Apr 10, 2012 12:31 pm

Hello Hash
How are you doing today now that Peter is away? What are you doing to fill the time til he gets back again?
You mentioned that a friend had suggested getting together... is that still an option?

I know it's hard to hear it, but from someone outside your situation, can I tell you that you dont' deserve the ultimate in harm or the end. Jesus has taken that from you already.

Sometimes when things feel desperate for me I pick a Bible verse and recite it over and over and over to try. Today I was reading Psalm 27 and verse 5 says for in the day of trouble He will keep me safe in His dwelling, He will hide me in the shelter of His tabernacle and set me high upon a rock. I pray that God will keep you safe in His shelter.

E x
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Re: Prepare for Meltdown

Postby Hash » Tue Apr 10, 2012 6:41 pm

I'm trying to keep busy, tomorrow is meant to be a mayhem day with the self harm unit leavers group in the morning at West Wickham and my family friend coming at lunchtime to be with me and the dogs for the afternoon.

TOnight I am going over to a friends house for Pizza and Pudding ( which I am taking) I have to fit in around their childs bathtime and feeding routine and bedtime routine so its kind of going to be a bit of a busy house for a wee while. Dogs have been walked twice and one is currently dismantling her toy pheasant upstairs in the bedroom. I was a little worried she was doing poo's upthere but I think I'm safe in saying it's a poo free zone.

I did self harm badly today but I've got to the point again where I just can't face A and E unless its pouring and I can't do anything I would much rather somehow pull it together with strong steri's and save myself the trauma of the local hospital however my GP will probably disagree when I see her tomorrow Im not sure I want to hear what she has to say. The thing about my self harm since I've been on all these drugs is that its cool and calculated rather than impulsive. I have a meds review on Friday with the psychiatrist from the local CMHT, I'm not under them he's just helping my GP because its so complicated. I had my injection today.

I don't know I am not sure I am doing the right thing at the moment this could turn into self harming every day at the rate I am going and it feels right but at the same time I don't know maybe its better for me to somehow get my head round seeking treatment and getting stitched up that way It puts me off the getting into aa pattern of every day doing damage.

I would love to get to the point again of believing again that God can get me out of this sticky mess. I have no idea where God is but I have people praying for me but where is God what has he done with the Hannah I used to be.

Hash
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Re: Prepare for Meltdown **May Trig**

Postby Hash » Wed Apr 11, 2012 7:55 pm

I kind of need to get medical attention but I just can't face it.

My GP spoke with me this afternoon and she wants me to get help when I harm but I just can't face A and E.

One reluctant wounded soldier

Hash
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Re: Prepare for Meltdown

Postby asc » Wed Apr 11, 2012 9:17 pm

I can understand that going to A & E is hard, but it is what your GP and the Maudsley recommend, and I'd certainly agree to ensure there is no tendon or nerve damage and no risk of infection. If you o, it is a sign that you are taking things seriously.

Remember, Peter cares, so do we, and many others.
Ann www.annspoetry.weebly.com / www. annssmallpets.weebly.com
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Corinthians 12v9
"You are God's masterpiece." Ephesians 2v10 God doesn't make junk!
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Re: Prepare for Meltdown

Postby Hash » Thu Apr 12, 2012 12:21 pm

I didnt get treatment I was just a little worried I had gone through the muscle sheath but we'll never know now. It will just take longer to heal than if it was stitched.

I am in a bit of a mess all I can think about is harming again but I cant afford to I have no room for more dressings and wounds on my arm.

I took two extra sedatives last night just to get a space from my thoughts, I was never going to sleep. Peter was home though.

Hash
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Re: Prepare for Meltdown

Postby Hash » Thu Apr 12, 2012 10:19 pm

I'm feeling really low and sad, I have a meds review in the morning
Hash
 
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Re: Prepare for Meltdown

Postby Keziah » Fri Apr 13, 2012 10:00 am

Hope your review went well for you Hash x
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Re: Prepare for Meltdown

Postby Hash » Fri Apr 13, 2012 2:13 pm

It was a bit of a disaster
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Re: Prepare for Meltdown

Postby Eppie » Fri Apr 13, 2012 7:47 pm

I'm sorry it didn't go so well Hash. Was hubby with you?
How is the weekend looking for you?
E x
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Re: Prepare for Meltdown

Postby sally » Sat Apr 14, 2012 1:48 pm

Hello Hash,

I'm so sorry the meeting was such a disaster. How are you feeling today? Are the self-harm urges quite strong. Can you get out with the dogs today as it's a bit brighter? It would be a good step if you are able to try not to self harm every day if you can find ways to avoid. You were doing so well keeping yourself occupied while Peter was away.

Thinking of you lots, Sally xx
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